Well, I just spent the last two weeks moving into a new apartment. I still have to run around places and update my new address (hooray for cell phones meaning I don't have to change my number!), and the place will be quite a mess until things are unpacked and organised.
Oh, and we're going to get two adorable savannah kittens that are only 4 months old next week. Savannah cats have a high propensity to be non-allergenic (by using slightly different proteins) and to like water. One of the kittens already loves to hop in the shower, and we'll make sure the other one also likes water, so we can regularly bath them to further cut down on allergens left everywhere. As people might wonder, I am allergic to cats (luckily not severely, but still), as is one of my mates, so that is part of what directed us to look for this breed in particular.
What does all of the above have to do with D&D Next? Absolutely nothing! But I figured I'd throw in a status update anyways.
I just recently (like two days ago) signed up for the Dungeons & Dragons Next playtest. I found I wanted to know more about the next edition, and my poking around the intarwebs led me to conclude that the best way to find out was to join the open playtesting for it.
Now, I can't reveal any mechanics or whatnot because of the non-disclosure agreement I accepted in order to get a hold of the stuff, but I can still put forth my opinion on what I think of it in general terms. So far I have been liking what I see, to the point that I want to run some adventures in it to get a good feel of the mechanics in action. I never got that with 4th edition, as it read almost like a tabletop rip-off of World of Warcraft.
I also find that the blending of all previous editions they're doing is actually working out really well, which is of great relief as I was pretty sure it would be a total flop and be overly bulky and easily exploitable. Oh how glad I am to be proven wrong on that. I've noticed elements that bring me back to when I started with AD&D 2nd edition, familiarity and customisability from 3.0/3.5, and even some elements from 4th that, while I feel like it throws in more power-gaming, actually seems to work fine worked into the flavour and style of previous editions.
From what I have seen there also seems to be a better balance in some of the abilities in contrast to level, which makes it a more comprehensible world for me. There's also more balance between the classes at similar levels, so gone are the days when physical fighters rule at low levels while casters become demigods later on.
There's also a more open ended feel to it, and encouragement to let the story take precedence over the rules scattered throughout. I love this as it helps to discourage rules lawyering, and makes it so that you don't have to listen to the dice gods when they are in opposition of what makes sense.
The only criticism I currently have about it is this: I want more! I want more options, more material, more stuff to work from to build my own fleshed out adventures and campaigns with the rules. I suppose I'll just have to settle with what is available right now, and ensure that I give feedback to help the process along (even if only a really, teeny tiny bit).
Friday, July 27, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Old Weldster
Well, even more stuff has happened, as it's always wont to do. For starters I'm now 30. While I know that in the grand scheme of things it's still young, it certainly doesn't feel like it when you hit it. Something about the arbitrary way we count our age that puts 30 into firm adulthood, having to be someone who's always responsible, and is either is or is finishing being established and settled.
Yeah fucking right.
I can't say my level of responsibility has changed since I joined the Air Force and got married at 19 (technically joining the USAF was a week before that age, but whatever). I've never been sure on exactly what makes one "established" or not, as it's not like each person is their own business, but I'm really only now expanding my circles of friends and gaining tenuous connections with professionals. As for being settled, well, I start moving into a new apartment in just over a fortnight.
By now, though, you're probably wondering what all of that has to do with the title. Well, it did cover the "old", but not the latter half. That's being a pun on "old spinster" and the new skill I've been learning from a friend: welding. Of course, "old spinster" really doesn't apply to me since I'm married, have a boyfriend, and get to do things like hugging and kissing my spouse's girlfriend, but my mind came up with the pun and I decided to use it. (It certainly beats having some form of "Yet Another Update", which I've done to death, rebirth, death, resurrection, death, undeath, and back again.)
According to the friend who's teaching me, and who doesn't give out compliments unless she feels they're earned, I've been picking it up pretty quickly and well. She's later gonna show me some other types of welding and such, and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm in turn showing her Linux, which she's liking.
What else... Oh yeah! I've been working on a custom RPG and it's actually at the beta stage now. Currently I just need to throw in some force skills so I can run a Star Wars campaign for testing it. I've watched episodes 1-6, the Holiday Special (ye gads...), and plan on watching Battle for Endor (but don't have any plans on watching Caravan of Courage) to wrap it up, so that I can base the force skills off of what's seen in official live action movies (I'm ignoring the Clone Wars series for this).
For playtesting I'll again be using the wonderful program MapTool, which is a virtual tabletop program that supports macros (automated dice rolls and other functions) and allows everyone to connect over the internet. If you're interested in the game mechanics or how the campaign progresses you can check it out over on HouseruleGaming.
Yeah fucking right.
I can't say my level of responsibility has changed since I joined the Air Force and got married at 19 (technically joining the USAF was a week before that age, but whatever). I've never been sure on exactly what makes one "established" or not, as it's not like each person is their own business, but I'm really only now expanding my circles of friends and gaining tenuous connections with professionals. As for being settled, well, I start moving into a new apartment in just over a fortnight.
By now, though, you're probably wondering what all of that has to do with the title. Well, it did cover the "old", but not the latter half. That's being a pun on "old spinster" and the new skill I've been learning from a friend: welding. Of course, "old spinster" really doesn't apply to me since I'm married, have a boyfriend, and get to do things like hugging and kissing my spouse's girlfriend, but my mind came up with the pun and I decided to use it. (It certainly beats having some form of "Yet Another Update", which I've done to death, rebirth, death, resurrection, death, undeath, and back again.)
According to the friend who's teaching me, and who doesn't give out compliments unless she feels they're earned, I've been picking it up pretty quickly and well. She's later gonna show me some other types of welding and such, and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm in turn showing her Linux, which she's liking.
What else... Oh yeah! I've been working on a custom RPG and it's actually at the beta stage now. Currently I just need to throw in some force skills so I can run a Star Wars campaign for testing it. I've watched episodes 1-6, the Holiday Special (ye gads...), and plan on watching Battle for Endor (but don't have any plans on watching Caravan of Courage) to wrap it up, so that I can base the force skills off of what's seen in official live action movies (I'm ignoring the Clone Wars series for this).
For playtesting I'll again be using the wonderful program MapTool, which is a virtual tabletop program that supports macros (automated dice rolls and other functions) and allows everyone to connect over the internet. If you're interested in the game mechanics or how the campaign progresses you can check it out over on HouseruleGaming.
Monday, April 30, 2012
I'm so terrible at updating
Well, a lot has happened over the year and a quarter since I last posted to my blog.
I've been officially diagnosed with non-24-hour sleep-wake disorder. Taking a small dose of melatonin while keeping up on sleep hygiene (which I had already been doing) and ensuring I wake up at the same time has allowed me to have a regulated, 24 hour schedule. It's still pretty shaky at times, but I have predictability in my schedule now which is awesome to have.
On December 19th I started taking estradiol, prescribed by my doctor. I've noticed definite changes beyond with spironolactone itself has done, including being much more in tune with my emotions, more redistribution of body fat to my face and hips, and some additional breast growth (I'm now a full B-cup).
My spouse's girlfriend has moved in with us, making it a 4 person household. It's wonderful having her here. She's also artsy/crafty herself and has helped get me back into sewing and drawing more.
My boyfriend went back to college and has now graduated with honours with a BA in biology. He was even able to get a job lined up before graduation as a food quality auditor.
I have also created a web-forum: houserulegaming.net. It was created as a place for people to talk about game rule interpretations, house rules, and home-brewed systems. After a big brouhaha drama-splosion at the forum I had been a moderator of, the admin, several members, and myself left it and I've expanded my forum to have a more complete community area aside from the game area.
I've also been going to a veteran's transgender support group, which has been awesome. In some ways I'm not necessarily getting much out of it, as I've lived as my target gender for years and have done a bit as far as transition goes, but I have gotten useful information, learnt additional viewpoints, and been able to help other people in figuring themselves out.
I've also been able to get more control over my anxiety and depression. I'm now on sertraline and frequently saw a therapist who was able to greatly help me overcome a lot. I no longer need someone I know with me when I go to appointments, and can even use public transportation without problem (and for free, as I found out that service connected disabled veterans are able to do). With as many strides as I have made I know I'm still a long way from being fully functional (if I can ever get to such a point). I ended up having a bad panic attack due to the large crowd at my boyfriend's graduation commencement ceremony (so sadly missed it), and so need to make another appointment with my therapist as several days later I've still not really recovered from it.
I think I will leave this much as the update, and try to post more frequently.
I've been officially diagnosed with non-24-hour sleep-wake disorder. Taking a small dose of melatonin while keeping up on sleep hygiene (which I had already been doing) and ensuring I wake up at the same time has allowed me to have a regulated, 24 hour schedule. It's still pretty shaky at times, but I have predictability in my schedule now which is awesome to have.
On December 19th I started taking estradiol, prescribed by my doctor. I've noticed definite changes beyond with spironolactone itself has done, including being much more in tune with my emotions, more redistribution of body fat to my face and hips, and some additional breast growth (I'm now a full B-cup).
My spouse's girlfriend has moved in with us, making it a 4 person household. It's wonderful having her here. She's also artsy/crafty herself and has helped get me back into sewing and drawing more.
My boyfriend went back to college and has now graduated with honours with a BA in biology. He was even able to get a job lined up before graduation as a food quality auditor.
I have also created a web-forum: houserulegaming.net. It was created as a place for people to talk about game rule interpretations, house rules, and home-brewed systems. After a big brouhaha drama-splosion at the forum I had been a moderator of, the admin, several members, and myself left it and I've expanded my forum to have a more complete community area aside from the game area.
I've also been going to a veteran's transgender support group, which has been awesome. In some ways I'm not necessarily getting much out of it, as I've lived as my target gender for years and have done a bit as far as transition goes, but I have gotten useful information, learnt additional viewpoints, and been able to help other people in figuring themselves out.
I've also been able to get more control over my anxiety and depression. I'm now on sertraline and frequently saw a therapist who was able to greatly help me overcome a lot. I no longer need someone I know with me when I go to appointments, and can even use public transportation without problem (and for free, as I found out that service connected disabled veterans are able to do). With as many strides as I have made I know I'm still a long way from being fully functional (if I can ever get to such a point). I ended up having a bad panic attack due to the large crowd at my boyfriend's graduation commencement ceremony (so sadly missed it), and so need to make another appointment with my therapist as several days later I've still not really recovered from it.
I think I will leave this much as the update, and try to post more frequently.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
No, I'm Not Dead, Just Inactive For 16 Months
So, it appears that I have been inactive for 16 months. Didn't plan on to, it just sort of happened. I "blame" improperly medicated depression for it, as I became very reclusive for most of it. Even ended up not signing into any messengers, forums, or other forms of online communication for a 3 month period in there.
The funny thing is, I thought the medication I was on was working fine. Then, what with one thing and another, I ended up with a gap from when my prescription ran out to when I had an appointment to get it renewed, and it was then that I realised I was doing better off of the medication than I was on it. I know I still need medication to help keep my depression and anxiety in check, but that's why I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in the next week.
Oh yes, I should give a quick update of some stuff that's happened...
My boyfriend, Vene, got a decent paying job (even if the hours suck). Because of this We've moved to suburbia, so we're no longer next door to the middle of nowhere. It's really nice being able to get to a lot of shopping and such in about 5 minutes, instead of taking 40 minutes to get only adequate shopping. Still going to take about half an hour to see my doctor, but that's a perfectly reasonable amount of time to see one that knows my medical history and that I know is trans friendly. Oh, and the place we're renting now is about 3 times larger than our old place, for not much more in rent.
Oh yeah, I also got my name legally changed. I now think of my old one as my maiden name, even if I didn't realise I was a maiden for the majority of the time I used it. :þ I've also had a couple sessions of electrolysis. Would have gone with laser hair removal, but I've got red hair so it's sadly not an option. I need to make more appointments for it, but I'm waiting till after I see the psychiatrist to make them, as I might get something that messes with my sleep-wake cycle (or lack thereof).
On a slightly related note, I've realised I'm allergic to a lot of make up, as a lot of them use mushrooms for "anti-aging." I am able to use mineral make ups, which is nice, as sometimes my face gets pretty irritated from a razor.
Well, in order to keep this short, and give myself more material for later posts, I'll wrap it up here.
The funny thing is, I thought the medication I was on was working fine. Then, what with one thing and another, I ended up with a gap from when my prescription ran out to when I had an appointment to get it renewed, and it was then that I realised I was doing better off of the medication than I was on it. I know I still need medication to help keep my depression and anxiety in check, but that's why I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in the next week.
Oh yes, I should give a quick update of some stuff that's happened...
My boyfriend, Vene, got a decent paying job (even if the hours suck). Because of this We've moved to suburbia, so we're no longer next door to the middle of nowhere. It's really nice being able to get to a lot of shopping and such in about 5 minutes, instead of taking 40 minutes to get only adequate shopping. Still going to take about half an hour to see my doctor, but that's a perfectly reasonable amount of time to see one that knows my medical history and that I know is trans friendly. Oh, and the place we're renting now is about 3 times larger than our old place, for not much more in rent.
Oh yeah, I also got my name legally changed. I now think of my old one as my maiden name, even if I didn't realise I was a maiden for the majority of the time I used it. :þ I've also had a couple sessions of electrolysis. Would have gone with laser hair removal, but I've got red hair so it's sadly not an option. I need to make more appointments for it, but I'm waiting till after I see the psychiatrist to make them, as I might get something that messes with my sleep-wake cycle (or lack thereof).
On a slightly related note, I've realised I'm allergic to a lot of make up, as a lot of them use mushrooms for "anti-aging." I am able to use mineral make ups, which is nice, as sometimes my face gets pretty irritated from a razor.
Well, in order to keep this short, and give myself more material for later posts, I'll wrap it up here.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
On Games And Speciation
And so it has come to pass that it's been a while since I made my last blog post. For the most part things are the same as always, though there are a couple new things I feel like mentioning. Hence why I'm making this post.
Lately I've been playing a lot of Ragnarök Online on a pretty cool private server (Project Rage to be precise). I gave up trying to make my own as I didn't have enough desire to figure out what diffs are or how to manipulate the binaries on my own to get the client to connect to my own server, even though I did figure out how to get the server side running. Playing the game again has reminded me too on why I wish to make my own MMORPG, as I desire more balance, different classes, other customization ability, and to have it not utilize 3D graphics as they get system intensive and, for a game that focuses on gameplay over eye-candy, aren't really needed. Oh, sure, sometimes it's nice to rotate the camera around, but if the maps are made right it's completely unnecessary.
So, as usual, my mind has been churning around different ideas while I'm focused on something else, such that I've got some basic equations for gameplay calculations, some monster ideas, and have the classes and some other character options figured out, including some skills listed. What I'm needing to focus on now is learning C++ some more, so that I can start messing around with it and get the ball rolling some more. Yes, I know it will take a while before I can actually get to the point of programming it for multi-player capability, and I do plan on first making some really basic single player stuff for while learning the code and hammering out more ideas for the final goal.
I'm also at some point going to need to do a lot of artwork for characters, monsters, items, maps, etc, but in the meantime I'm likely going to just "steal" sprites from other games as I learn how to manipulate images and inputs. I do know that I want to give it a fantasy-steampunk feel, so I'm going to have to do a lot of looking up 19th Century designs for clothes, architecture, home décor, and technology, as well as figure out exactly how my magic system (which I won't go into depth on now) will be integrated into the world to actually be a part of it, not something just slapped in without such consideration.
Onto a completely different topic...
I have found I really don't consider myself to be of the subspecies H. s. sapiens, but for lack of an actual categorization what I'll dub Homo sapiens aspergic. Actually, I view it as being in the process of full out speciation, as left to our (meaning those with Asperger's) own devices we will socialise and interbreed with other H. s. aspergics and not members of H. s. sapiens when given the opportunity. A prime example of this being in Silicon Valley (link). There is a clear delineation with social interaction and behaviour between these two groups, making each completely alien from the other in terms of comprehension. This is brought even more into focus when it is realised that those with Asperger's are able to figure out, through short conversation (~30-60 minutes), whether someone has it or not, simply by how our interactions go. These differences include vocabulary choices, argumentative styles, inflection, body language, social expectations, and the understanding of obsessions even when not shared, just to name what immediately comes to mind.
Also being on the "inside" of the groups, I feel the need to make it clear that Aspergers and Autism are not the same thing. As such they have enough differences to be at least separate subspecies, such as there are with H. s. sapiens. Again for lack of actual classification I will call this other group Homo sapiens autistic.
I do wish to also clarify that I am not dehumanising anyone with these classifications, as we're definitely in the Homo genus and possibly in the same species Homo sapiens. I am also not saying I'm not a person, as I see the words "person" and "people" to more mean "sapient being" than having any requirement for them to be of the subspecies H. s. sapiens.
I will also admit that I am not a biologist, and I am willing to listen to anyone actually trained in the field regarding my amateur distinction. If there is more evidence to strengthen my opinions, awesome, if there is evidence to show that I am wrong, then I wish to know it. I have also run this by someone with a degree in biology to make sure I understand the terms and that I am at least not too far off base with my opinion.
Lately I've been playing a lot of Ragnarök Online on a pretty cool private server (Project Rage to be precise). I gave up trying to make my own as I didn't have enough desire to figure out what diffs are or how to manipulate the binaries on my own to get the client to connect to my own server, even though I did figure out how to get the server side running. Playing the game again has reminded me too on why I wish to make my own MMORPG, as I desire more balance, different classes, other customization ability, and to have it not utilize 3D graphics as they get system intensive and, for a game that focuses on gameplay over eye-candy, aren't really needed. Oh, sure, sometimes it's nice to rotate the camera around, but if the maps are made right it's completely unnecessary.
So, as usual, my mind has been churning around different ideas while I'm focused on something else, such that I've got some basic equations for gameplay calculations, some monster ideas, and have the classes and some other character options figured out, including some skills listed. What I'm needing to focus on now is learning C++ some more, so that I can start messing around with it and get the ball rolling some more. Yes, I know it will take a while before I can actually get to the point of programming it for multi-player capability, and I do plan on first making some really basic single player stuff for while learning the code and hammering out more ideas for the final goal.
I'm also at some point going to need to do a lot of artwork for characters, monsters, items, maps, etc, but in the meantime I'm likely going to just "steal" sprites from other games as I learn how to manipulate images and inputs. I do know that I want to give it a fantasy-steampunk feel, so I'm going to have to do a lot of looking up 19th Century designs for clothes, architecture, home décor, and technology, as well as figure out exactly how my magic system (which I won't go into depth on now) will be integrated into the world to actually be a part of it, not something just slapped in without such consideration.
Onto a completely different topic...
I have found I really don't consider myself to be of the subspecies H. s. sapiens, but for lack of an actual categorization what I'll dub Homo sapiens aspergic. Actually, I view it as being in the process of full out speciation, as left to our (meaning those with Asperger's) own devices we will socialise and interbreed with other H. s. aspergics and not members of H. s. sapiens when given the opportunity. A prime example of this being in Silicon Valley (link). There is a clear delineation with social interaction and behaviour between these two groups, making each completely alien from the other in terms of comprehension. This is brought even more into focus when it is realised that those with Asperger's are able to figure out, through short conversation (~30-60 minutes), whether someone has it or not, simply by how our interactions go. These differences include vocabulary choices, argumentative styles, inflection, body language, social expectations, and the understanding of obsessions even when not shared, just to name what immediately comes to mind.
Also being on the "inside" of the groups, I feel the need to make it clear that Aspergers and Autism are not the same thing. As such they have enough differences to be at least separate subspecies, such as there are with H. s. sapiens. Again for lack of actual classification I will call this other group Homo sapiens autistic.
I do wish to also clarify that I am not dehumanising anyone with these classifications, as we're definitely in the Homo genus and possibly in the same species Homo sapiens. I am also not saying I'm not a person, as I see the words "person" and "people" to more mean "sapient being" than having any requirement for them to be of the subspecies H. s. sapiens.
I will also admit that I am not a biologist, and I am willing to listen to anyone actually trained in the field regarding my amateur distinction. If there is more evidence to strengthen my opinions, awesome, if there is evidence to show that I am wrong, then I wish to know it. I have also run this by someone with a degree in biology to make sure I understand the terms and that I am at least not too far off base with my opinion.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Yet Another Update After Inactivity
So, I find myself once again sitting around being apathetic and bored. It's night-time/early morning, so that cuts out any activity that would make much noise (not that I know what I would do that does). I theoretically could work on learning C++, which I've been incredibly remiss on doing, or mess around with Blender, by poking around at modeling some more or learning how to do animation, but my apathy is leaving me with the though "what's the point?"
To further complicate things, my sleep cycle, which used to be non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome (though undiagnosed because, surprise surprise, it interferes with my ability to make and keep appointments), seems to have completely vanished. I don't mean it's "normal," I mean I simply have no schedule. I'm now sleeping anywhere from 4 to 16 hours at a time, and being awake 10 to 30+ hours in one stretch, with no apparent correlation. One might ask "but wouldn't that still be non-24-hour?" to which the response is "that means having a sleep cycle that's 25-26 hours long instead of 24, not any type of 'schedule' that doesn't conform to a 24 hour cycle." The most probable cause I can figure is either one of my medications that's no longer working as it had, or a hormone shift, though I'm not sure what would have precipitated the latter.
Oh well, this is yet another thing to mention to my doctor at my appointment on Tuesday. I'm already going to be bringing up my breast growth (though it seems to have stopped again), increased hot flashes and chills, occasional mood swings, the mysterious lower back pain I had a few weeks back, a larger ribcage (which I know has happened since I've not gained any weight, yet have needed a larger band size on my bra and cannot wear the corset I made months back anymore), increased hyper-focusing, and my anxiety turning into outright paranoia. Oh, and something possibly more important than all of that, I'm hoping I can get a Barr body test and that it comes back positive.
A quick rundown for those who just got suddenly lost on what I'm talking about. When a cell has multiple X chromosomes only one of them is active, the others are inactive and in a packed up state, which is called a Barr body. Thus, if I do have a Barr body that means I have a second X chromosome, which means I would have some form of intersex condition. There's already plenty reason to suspect that I have Klinefelter's syndrome, which is when a person has two X chromosomes and one Y chromosome, and so the results from a Barr body test would be able to confirm it or rule it out. Barr body tests are also much cheaper than karyotype testing, being around $200 and $1,000 respectively, which puts it into a barely affordable range.
But, of course, there's something that could still complicate things. There's also reason to suspect I have Mosaicism, which is when some cells have a different genotype than the others. This isn't too uncommon for those who have Klinefelter's, and it would certainly go a long way to explaining why I have two distinct hair types: one being fine, straight, and ash blonde, the other being course, curly, and red. Because of this possibility I'm hoping that I can get tested from two places, and since it doesn't matter much where the cells are from so long as they have all the genes in them, I'm planning on having the samples taken from where the hair is nice and distinct from the other. This will be advantageous as it's more likely to find an inactive X chromosome if I have one, as well as seeing if I'm mosaic or not. Even if both spots come back negative it won't be a total loss (even if it'll feel like it), as it would at least rule out some possibilities.
There's a few reasons why I do want to know if I'm intersex. For starters, it'll make it far easier to get my legal sex designation changed. It'll also aid in proper treatment, as the more one knows about their body the better a doctor can understand sypmtoms. Also if it's diagnosed, what passes itself off as my insurance (Medicare) will see procedures as corrective instead of for transition (even though that's corrective); at least after the legal sex designation is changed.
Now to avoid any outrage people might have over my suspicions and hope for positive diagnosis. I am not looking for anything to blame for why I am the way I am. Even if I'm intersexed I will still consider myself transsexual, as I still grew up being treated as a boy and am having to face the ordeal of transition. I actually personally feel that transsexuality should be medically treated as an intersex condition as what very little research has been done on the structure of transsexual brains has shown distinct similarity to their target gender and not the sex declared at birth. (The peer reviewed article about this can be found here, with an easier to read article here.)
To further complicate things, my sleep cycle, which used to be non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome (though undiagnosed because, surprise surprise, it interferes with my ability to make and keep appointments), seems to have completely vanished. I don't mean it's "normal," I mean I simply have no schedule. I'm now sleeping anywhere from 4 to 16 hours at a time, and being awake 10 to 30+ hours in one stretch, with no apparent correlation. One might ask "but wouldn't that still be non-24-hour?" to which the response is "that means having a sleep cycle that's 25-26 hours long instead of 24, not any type of 'schedule' that doesn't conform to a 24 hour cycle." The most probable cause I can figure is either one of my medications that's no longer working as it had, or a hormone shift, though I'm not sure what would have precipitated the latter.
Oh well, this is yet another thing to mention to my doctor at my appointment on Tuesday. I'm already going to be bringing up my breast growth (though it seems to have stopped again), increased hot flashes and chills, occasional mood swings, the mysterious lower back pain I had a few weeks back, a larger ribcage (which I know has happened since I've not gained any weight, yet have needed a larger band size on my bra and cannot wear the corset I made months back anymore), increased hyper-focusing, and my anxiety turning into outright paranoia. Oh, and something possibly more important than all of that, I'm hoping I can get a Barr body test and that it comes back positive.
A quick rundown for those who just got suddenly lost on what I'm talking about. When a cell has multiple X chromosomes only one of them is active, the others are inactive and in a packed up state, which is called a Barr body. Thus, if I do have a Barr body that means I have a second X chromosome, which means I would have some form of intersex condition. There's already plenty reason to suspect that I have Klinefelter's syndrome, which is when a person has two X chromosomes and one Y chromosome, and so the results from a Barr body test would be able to confirm it or rule it out. Barr body tests are also much cheaper than karyotype testing, being around $200 and $1,000 respectively, which puts it into a barely affordable range.
But, of course, there's something that could still complicate things. There's also reason to suspect I have Mosaicism, which is when some cells have a different genotype than the others. This isn't too uncommon for those who have Klinefelter's, and it would certainly go a long way to explaining why I have two distinct hair types: one being fine, straight, and ash blonde, the other being course, curly, and red. Because of this possibility I'm hoping that I can get tested from two places, and since it doesn't matter much where the cells are from so long as they have all the genes in them, I'm planning on having the samples taken from where the hair is nice and distinct from the other. This will be advantageous as it's more likely to find an inactive X chromosome if I have one, as well as seeing if I'm mosaic or not. Even if both spots come back negative it won't be a total loss (even if it'll feel like it), as it would at least rule out some possibilities.
There's a few reasons why I do want to know if I'm intersex. For starters, it'll make it far easier to get my legal sex designation changed. It'll also aid in proper treatment, as the more one knows about their body the better a doctor can understand sypmtoms. Also if it's diagnosed, what passes itself off as my insurance (Medicare) will see procedures as corrective instead of for transition (even though that's corrective); at least after the legal sex designation is changed.
Now to avoid any outrage people might have over my suspicions and hope for positive diagnosis. I am not looking for anything to blame for why I am the way I am. Even if I'm intersexed I will still consider myself transsexual, as I still grew up being treated as a boy and am having to face the ordeal of transition. I actually personally feel that transsexuality should be medically treated as an intersex condition as what very little research has been done on the structure of transsexual brains has shown distinct similarity to their target gender and not the sex declared at birth. (The peer reviewed article about this can be found here, with an easier to read article here.)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Overdue Update
Once again it has been ages since I updated my blog. In a way almost nothing has happened, or at least nothing I've felt was noteworthy enough. Perhaps this is due to my style of creating massive posts instead of little blurbs, or perhaps because I've never been good at keeping a journal, diary, or other form of written log. Or, perhaps, it's because I feel things that are written down (sometimes even just stated verbally), especially in a long term format, carry a lot more weight and permanency than most of my thoughts which are somewhat fleeting and incredibly dependent on the particular circumstance they're formulated in. Either way I supposed I shouldn't dwell too much on it or I'll go even longer before making a post.
There have actually been a some things I suppose were blog worthy. Things I generally consider small and almost not noteworthy, but from other blogs I've seen it'd be plenty enough material for a post. I guess I do tend towards long posts that are supposed to be very informative or thought provoking, which is why I've considered these of low consequence unworthy of being typed into an area of semi-permanence.
To start, I'll go with some cooking. I've stopped using my family's recipes for pancakes and french toast, having found I prefer the recipes for them out of the Betty Crocker's Big Red Cookbook. Part of the reason for this is that they use less sugar, which since I sometimes have problems with my bloodsugars is a good thing. Actually, I should clarify that I'm using the cookbook as a starting point for the recipes, as I have actually been modifying them. With the pancakes I've been using apple sauce instead of vegetable oil. I've only made french toast from its recipe once, so am not yet sure how I wish to modify that. I might actually double the amount of sugar, which still leaves it at half my family's level, and possibly add in a little vanilla. And lastly, with my spaghetti I've stopped chopping the pepperoni slices into quarters, instead leaving them whole.
As for developmental changes, there have been some. For starters, I now where a 36A, whereas 3 months ago I was a 34NA. I actually tried on my 34A bra, but the band is now too tight. Hell, I'm somewhat wondering if the 36 band is a bit tight, but I'd rather not be buying a new bra every month. I've also been wearing a bra a lot more often than I used to. This is in large part because it protects the breasts from stimulation from my shirt rubbing against them as I move about, and in small part because it helps make them look bigger.
The reason stimulation is a problem I should go into some. I have had a marked decrease in libido and sexual desire as of late. I really have little clue as to why, which is both confusing and aggravating. I mean, I'm finally in a nice triad and I can barely be arsed to even kiss! It's incredibly vexing. Talking about it we figure it's in part hormonally related, as I've always fed off of other people's hormone levels. Now, I am on anti-androgens with no oestrogen intake, and am living with one person who has menses and one person has, and is happy with, normal male levels of testosterone. To further confuse things though, is that when I started the Seroquel, which is for anxiety, depression, sleep problems, etc, and is also an anti-androgen, my libido increased, but now that I'm feeding off of someone's testosterone it's decreased, which is all manners of confusing. Now, part of this might be because I simply cannot get the stimulation I do desire, but that didn't stop me from doing other things when Vene first got here.
To further make things weird, I also seem to have developed cramps at the 'appropriate' time... of Adrian's menses. I also was having fluctuating emotions making me more snippy and sensitive a few days before it. Once again I am reacting to zir hormone cycle more than zie is, or at least appear to be. It is possible that it's just coincidence right now, but I can't figure out any other reason for why my lower back would have been killing me yesterday, starting the night before, and still being sore today. Ibuprofen actually did nothing against the pain, though luckily a hot bath did soothe it. If this happens during the same part of Adrian's next hormone cycle I'll know that it is to blame, but I do know right now that it might not be that.
This is just further reason why Vene is convinced I have an extra X chromosome, at least in some places. It's just that karyotype testing (looking to see what chromosomes a person has) is expensive, and I don't know if I could be diagnosed with an intersex condition without said testing. This would be made even more expensive if I'm mosaic and the test needs to be done from multiple places. I will say though it's slightly disconcerting when a biologist keeps being confused by one's body, and keeps saying "make sense, dammit!" We do have a list of symptoms written up to bring more to the attention of my doctor about this when I see her next, which should be in the next couple weeks as I need to follow up on medication dose levels.
Course, I also need to see my doctor because my anxiety is now turning into full blown paranoia. Definitely not fun, and made even worse when people agree with the reasons my mind has for the paranoia. Still doesn't stop it from being paranoia, as I am super-sizing the concerns and fears. I'm also flinching/ducking and covering more and worse when I hear unexpected noises, like the fire alarm beeping (not going off, just emitting short beeps at irregular intervals, so it's not even that it has a low battery) or the phone ringing.
Well, I guess this is actually enough for a post, being that it's over a thousand words long, so I'll just say adieu for now. I'll have to kick myself to make short posts so I can do so more frequently.
There have actually been a some things I suppose were blog worthy. Things I generally consider small and almost not noteworthy, but from other blogs I've seen it'd be plenty enough material for a post. I guess I do tend towards long posts that are supposed to be very informative or thought provoking, which is why I've considered these of low consequence unworthy of being typed into an area of semi-permanence.
To start, I'll go with some cooking. I've stopped using my family's recipes for pancakes and french toast, having found I prefer the recipes for them out of the Betty Crocker's Big Red Cookbook. Part of the reason for this is that they use less sugar, which since I sometimes have problems with my bloodsugars is a good thing. Actually, I should clarify that I'm using the cookbook as a starting point for the recipes, as I have actually been modifying them. With the pancakes I've been using apple sauce instead of vegetable oil. I've only made french toast from its recipe once, so am not yet sure how I wish to modify that. I might actually double the amount of sugar, which still leaves it at half my family's level, and possibly add in a little vanilla. And lastly, with my spaghetti I've stopped chopping the pepperoni slices into quarters, instead leaving them whole.
As for developmental changes, there have been some. For starters, I now where a 36A, whereas 3 months ago I was a 34NA. I actually tried on my 34A bra, but the band is now too tight. Hell, I'm somewhat wondering if the 36 band is a bit tight, but I'd rather not be buying a new bra every month. I've also been wearing a bra a lot more often than I used to. This is in large part because it protects the breasts from stimulation from my shirt rubbing against them as I move about, and in small part because it helps make them look bigger.
The reason stimulation is a problem I should go into some. I have had a marked decrease in libido and sexual desire as of late. I really have little clue as to why, which is both confusing and aggravating. I mean, I'm finally in a nice triad and I can barely be arsed to even kiss! It's incredibly vexing. Talking about it we figure it's in part hormonally related, as I've always fed off of other people's hormone levels. Now, I am on anti-androgens with no oestrogen intake, and am living with one person who has menses and one person has, and is happy with, normal male levels of testosterone. To further confuse things though, is that when I started the Seroquel, which is for anxiety, depression, sleep problems, etc, and is also an anti-androgen, my libido increased, but now that I'm feeding off of someone's testosterone it's decreased, which is all manners of confusing. Now, part of this might be because I simply cannot get the stimulation I do desire, but that didn't stop me from doing other things when Vene first got here.
To further make things weird, I also seem to have developed cramps at the 'appropriate' time... of Adrian's menses. I also was having fluctuating emotions making me more snippy and sensitive a few days before it. Once again I am reacting to zir hormone cycle more than zie is, or at least appear to be. It is possible that it's just coincidence right now, but I can't figure out any other reason for why my lower back would have been killing me yesterday, starting the night before, and still being sore today. Ibuprofen actually did nothing against the pain, though luckily a hot bath did soothe it. If this happens during the same part of Adrian's next hormone cycle I'll know that it is to blame, but I do know right now that it might not be that.
This is just further reason why Vene is convinced I have an extra X chromosome, at least in some places. It's just that karyotype testing (looking to see what chromosomes a person has) is expensive, and I don't know if I could be diagnosed with an intersex condition without said testing. This would be made even more expensive if I'm mosaic and the test needs to be done from multiple places. I will say though it's slightly disconcerting when a biologist keeps being confused by one's body, and keeps saying "make sense, dammit!" We do have a list of symptoms written up to bring more to the attention of my doctor about this when I see her next, which should be in the next couple weeks as I need to follow up on medication dose levels.
Course, I also need to see my doctor because my anxiety is now turning into full blown paranoia. Definitely not fun, and made even worse when people agree with the reasons my mind has for the paranoia. Still doesn't stop it from being paranoia, as I am super-sizing the concerns and fears. I'm also flinching/ducking and covering more and worse when I hear unexpected noises, like the fire alarm beeping (not going off, just emitting short beeps at irregular intervals, so it's not even that it has a low battery) or the phone ringing.
Well, I guess this is actually enough for a post, being that it's over a thousand words long, so I'll just say adieu for now. I'll have to kick myself to make short posts so I can do so more frequently.
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