My Future And Transphobia

Well, it's been a while (again) since I last updated, and a lot has happened. Especially in the last week.

To start explaining, it's best to go back a few ago. I started having more contact with Vene (a poster at FSTDT for those who don't know), talking about a large variety of things. I already knew he was cool, and it was awesome that we could talk about biology (it's his major), sci-fi, politics, religion (yes, those two hot button issues that are normally taboo subjects), and, well, everything. One thing kept naturally leading to another, and our relationship grew. We're not sure when it happened, but we fell in love.

"But you're already married!" many would say. Well, as I've been open about already, I'm poly. What's even better is that my mate and Vene get along really well, and because I'm open about pretty much everything everyone knew everything every step of the way. And when I say they "get along really well," I mean that in every way (yes, including in bed). It's totally awesome being in a triad. Yes, there are two others who we plan on having join soon (and yes, they know everything too), and I'm pretty excited about that too, but for this post they're not really factoring in much (sorry Yae-chan and Glitch, but other issues are taking immediate precedence).

So, being the natural desire and step when there's a bit of distance between two people, Vene decided to visit for a couple weeks. We wanted it to be longer, but he already had summer work lined up at the time, and we knew that how well we might get along online, there can be small things when physically together that lead to complications. Once he arrived, sure there were anxieties, but we quickly grew very comfortable together. The kind of comfort that, like my mate and I have always had, has a certain "timelessness" to it. The kind where it doesn't matter if it's been five hours or five years, a lot can be said and conveyed without any words being spoken.

Oh how lucky we are that that is so.

Being that Vene was in college, and it was near the end of the semester, he didn't have all that frequent of contact with his parents, and had his finals to worry about. Further through in that his parents are political moderates in Michigan, and one can further understand why he didn't talk much at all about me to them, as he also feels there should be no reason to hide who and what I am. As such, they didn't find out about me until a week before he left to see me. Also, when he did tell them about me, it was minimal information; mostly that he was going to see a girl he had been talking with for some time for a couple weeks, and the only one of my "issues" he told them about was that I have asperger's.

Apparently, according to Vene's mother, who is a teacher with background in psychology, people with asperger's cannot be trusted. Who knew? Who realized that because I take words literally, and so can be pedantic and exact in my speech, and that I hate lying because it's saying something that's knowingly false, that I cannot be trusted?

As can then be expected when they hold such a view, they really weren't happy with him planning on visiting me for a couple weeks. They threatened to stop helping fund his education, having some bizarre reasoning that threatening to remove one of the few things tying a person to an area just for visiting someone for a very short period of time, and who had every intention of coming right back, was somehow going to make them want to stay in the area where they have almost no ties to. Even then they only drove him to the train station because he just nodded along to most things they spoke at him, because he knew that if they knew any more about me they'd completely refuse to allow him to go, and do what they could to prevent him from coming here. Even though he's 21, and so definitely a legal adult and quite capable of making his own decisions.

Once he was here, and we had spent a couple days seeing just how compatible we are and letting initial emotions and anxieties cool down a little, he started to look into the possibility of getting employed in the area for the summer. At that point it really was just idle curiosity, keeping options open for whatever eventuality would happen.

Then Vene told his parents I'm a transwoman.

To say they reacted negatively is putting it politely. They demanded he give then the exact date and time he was returning home. They decided I wasn't even worth a gorram pronoun. They didn't use a feminine pronoun in quotes, they didn't use a male pronoun, they didn't even call me "it," they felt I didn't deserve anything for a pronoun for which to refer to me. Now, they don't really know much (if anything) about transsexuality, so I can understand someone just being ignorant, but this wasn't just out of ignorance. They didn't once ask for clarification, they didn't once ask anything about me.

Something further that showed that it again wasn't ignorance, but actual hate and transphobia, they later called me a "surgically altered boy." As laughable as that phrase might be on it's own, as well as how completely wrong it is on every word, given the context it was in it clearly demonstrated full out hatred and revile than ignorance with willingness to learn.

Oh, but their transphobia didn't stop there. They then called him, and in words dripping with disgust called me "part girl." Again, the phrase can be amusing when completely out of context, and with some context might demonstrate someone who is ignorant, but when seething with revile and disgust, oozing disapproval and hatred, it is full out hate. As any reasonable person would do, Vene hung up on them, and didn't answer when they tried calling again.

Even as technophobic as they are (thinking nothing online is "real"), they emailed him. They confirmed that they were not going to help with tuition or housing for school, and made it clear they'd make it horrible for him if he came back, and demanded, not asked but demanded, that he be open and honest about what was going on. Obviously, as any person with even a shred of rationality would do, Vene decided to do just that. He wrote what amounts to a long letter for him (which was much longer than his parents seem capable of for email), explaining more about me being trans, and why he uses the female pronouns for me. He even broached on us being poly, how I'm married, my mate fully knows, approves, and supports the decision. He also made it very clear that I've been open with him on everything since day one, not hiding anything.

As was then able to happen, emotions finally hit in full force. Yesterday was very emotionally rough (as that's when he gave the letter of full disclosure), and I know the next few weeks are going to be a bit hard to get through. Also, we're damn glad we looked into possible jobs (even finding out there's more jobs in his field here than there are flat off where he had been), what rent in the areas was, and looked over possible budget should the eventuality happen. Which it did.

We really wanted to take things slower. We really wanted to have more time for planning out the future. Vene's parents however have not given that time. They've forced the issue. They did respond to his email, ignoring almost every point raised in it, and threatened to remove the final things that were holding him there. Vene called them on it, to see how much was bluff and how much was serious. We really weren't surprised to find out it was all serious.

Of course, now Vene's parents have had the audacity to completely change tactics, becoming all "friendly" and "loving" while still reviling me and his decision to even visit. Yet they aren't planning on supporting him beyond giving him a roof under which he'd be berated for his decision. They seem to be hoping that he has such an incredibly poor memory that he would completely forget the abrasiveness they had been using, or that they removed what smidgen of reason he had to stay there, or that they've never given me the tiniest shred of respect. They've forced Vene to choose on whether he wants to loose (almost ?) all ties with them and stay with me, where me and my mate are doing what we can to help him find further education and and a job, to make sure we can help support us instead of being any kind of drain, and give intelligent, rational conversation about any subject, including with the chemistry and biology (as even though a lot of it is a bit above us, we're willing to learn and can still understand the concepts), or to go back to them, where they'll constantly berate him for not only thinking of visiting me but actually doing such, where they'll make it incredibly hard for him to have contact with me, have no understanding or desire to understand what his field of study even is, and otherwise make life a general pain.

Given such a choice it should be pretty easy to know what would be chosen.

Now, just to make sure this isn't all negative, there's a lot to look forward to, and incredible change coming in the next couple months. Having already gone over an expected budget, with the lowest pay from the well over a dozen positions he's going to apply for, and the still lowered SSDI payments my mate is getting (and by all means should be adjusted back to where it had been in the next couple months), at the average rent for a two bedroom apartment in the areas near where the job would be, over-estimating for the utilities, food, car insurance, monthly gas expenses, and healthcare, we still come out well ahead. We might be able to save upwards of $1,000, with the assumptions of worst case income and expenses! Just imagining how much more than that it could be is staggering! We would be able to eat much healthier, have much better living conditions, my mate and I could do a hell of a lot more for transition, and we'd be able to save up for the needed surgeries and expatriation in less than five years!

As should then be obvious I'm ecstatic over what's in store for the very near future. I just really wish it could have worked out that Vene's parents would have even tried to be understanding. I never wanted to come between him and them, but they forced the issue. They made sure to give him no reason to desire to go back. They've even made it clear that he can't even go back for more of his clothes, his books, and other personal effects, as they'd try to trap him there, and that it would not be safe in any way for me to even be near them. They've left us staggering over their desire to not only hate out of ignorance, but that they've made it quite clear that holding onto that hate is far more important than their relationship with their own son, just because he chose to associate with someone towards whom they hold that hatred.