Introduction

Being that this is a new blog, and I can't expect all of my readers to know me yet, I figure an introduction, beyond what my plans for the blog are, is in order.

To start, what one will notice upon seeing me in person, is that I am a 1.8m (5'11”) tall, slender woman with red/blonde hair. Because this is a blog, I will be expressing many things from my points of view, and so what my writings will quickly reveal is that I'm a transwoman still undergoing transition, am an atheist who grew up Lutheran, and am politically liberal (at least by standards in the United States; I haven't compared my views to European standards yet).

My political leanings and I will likely cover in later posts. In this one though I will try to give you, my readers, a little more understanding into why I am a transwoman and an atheist. I won't go into too much detail, as that would likely fill a book (which I might even see about writing at some point), but I do feel some explanation is needed in order to help you understand where my point of view comes from.

I really don't feel that I've made that many changes over the years, more just been able to learn and understand myself better, to allow myself to more be myself without overly worrying about what others think. Every day, every hour, that I cannot live my life as myself, is one less day, one less hour that I have. Therefore it's imperative for me to figure out aspects of myself, to find answers to all the questions I didn't dare even ask, disregarding all of the societal pressures against what the answers might be, because to not do so is to then be having others dictate my life for me.

When I was little, I tried to be a boy. In part this was because that's what everyone expected me to be, also in part because what's between my legs meant I wasn't a girl, and if I wasn't a girl, I was a boy, right? I tried to avoid things that were “girly” because I couldn't allow myself to be confused for girl, or for trying to be a girl. Such would go against the gender binary that everywhere taught and treated as a basic rule. Going against the rules meant one would get punished, as was demonstrated enough, and since I didn't want to be punished I had no other choice than to do my best at being a boy.

Most of the time gender wasn't really an issue, at least not as a child. Most aspects that societal gender rules dictate didn't affect me then. By time I was older I already had developed the habits and routines of being a boy, and of avoiding gender issues and questions. I had convinced myself that I didn't like things because they were girly in order to simply get by in societies rules, even though I never asked myself the question if I liked the things or not. There were rules, and it was up to me to abide by them or else I'd be punished. No, I didn't even know what the punishment might have be, because I had never heard of anyone else questioning their gender or trying to go outside the dictated gender rules.

Oh, sure, there was women liberation, but that still wasn't them trying to stop being women, merely be accepted as equals, and so is incredibly different. I didn't know about intersex conditions, and how more than one out of every hundred newborns has it to some extent, and that more than one out of every thousand is ambiguous enough to warrant medical attention (sometimes in the form of surgery). I didn't know the gamut of transgender classifications (transmen, transwomen, genderqueer, bigender, just to name a few), and how they are physically different, even if often in just in how the brain developed. I didn't even know that the sex chromosomes were only in part responsible for determining sex and that hormonal conditions in the womb could completely override how they're expressed and so how the body and it's parts form. None of this I knew, so I had to rely only on the facts that people called me a boy and it was because of what was between my legs. Because of that one part, just that one part that almost no-one would ever see, so many things were dictated to me. How I could acceptably react to things, the sort of things I could like, the activities I could acceptably participate in, how I could dress, the foods I could like, how I could walk, how I could sit, how I was allowed to talk, and even what colours I was allowed to like. All over something I had no choice in, absolutely no control over, and all of that was still dictated and enforced.

And so I tried. I tried to stay within the societal expectations. I tried to not go out of them, or do anything where society would get suspicious, or that might confuse myself and so lead to me breaking the societal rules and getting punished for it. I couldn't even dwell on the questions long because church taught that even thinking something against what was allowed was the same as doing it, so I connected in my mind that if I even thought about it I would get punished. It didn't matter if I felt the system was wrong, it had the power to do anything it wanted and I was at the mercy of it's whims. I had learned that from countless incidents where the guilty party gets away with something and the innocent party is the one punished. It also didn't matter if you didn't know the rule, or couldn't even know about the rule, if you broke it you would still be penalized.

I pin blame for this forced ignorance, this forced lifestyle contrary to my nature, on society. Most blame goes to the dogmatic authoritarians who wish to destroy anything different from themselves. The religious right is the most visible such group in the US, using scripture and doctrine to push their hatred towards anyone who's different, and trying to make sure that no one can criticize them or have equal time to voice their opinions. And no, it's not just the religious who can be like this, though they are the most visible even if mostly because the vast majority of Americans are themselves religious, as clearly shown with how almost 80% of the country identifies as Christian, and most of the rest as other religions.

Which now brings me to the next core point about myself. I'm an atheist, and in no way ashamed of it. I don't go flaunting it about all over the place. I don't try to “convert” anyone. And no, no one “converted” me either. I simply asked myself questions, did a lot of research, and then came to my conclusion. I've looked over it several times, from several angles, and even at many religions. I simply cannot see any evidence what-so-ever for any sort of deity that might do anything in this world. I also cannot accept viability of the Bible, because too many points contradict, too many things are inconsistent, too many things are contradictory to historical evidence. I cannot take things on unsubstantiated faith when there's evidence to the contrary, and so I cannot believe. I won't go into more detail or specifics at the moment because this post is already long enough.

It is also not a “phase” like people have tried to tell me. It's been a year and a half already since I came to the initial conclusion, and during all this time of continued questioning and contemplation I have only grown more assured of my position. Just like me being a transwoman is not any sort of “phase.” With that I took half a year, including seeing a psychologist, and made sure I was positive about it before I even hinted at the questioning to most people around me. The same is actually true with my atheism, minus seeing a psychologist about it.

A few other things about me, just to round out this impression and show that transexuality and atheism aren't the only aspects of myself. I love Star Wars (well, at least the original trilogy), Warhammer 40K, role-playing games (mostly tabletop, and have even been making one of my own), and reading books. I also love science fact and fiction, I love questioning and observing things, I enjoy cooking (and have made my own recipes for spaghetti and beef-barely soup/stew), do sewing from time to time (even if not often because fabric can cost a bit), have a basic understanding of my computer (which I've now installed Linux on) and electronics, and like to poke at languages now and again. I also love camo pants and boots, close fitting shirts, loose skirts and dresses, and heels (strappy and boots). I've also recently discovered I like coffee (well, 2 parts coffee, one part milk, or it gets too much). I keep being surprised at how much I like pink, and at how much I've started to like shopping, even just window shopping, though I still hate crowds and bad traffic.

Many of these things though I've only been able to allow myself to be comfortable liking because I am making sure to be myself. Even the things I was able to be comfortable with liking while trying to be a boy I'm more comfortable with now. I no longer have to hide me from myself. I no longer have to cloak a persona around myself, keeping it distanced so I don't let the real me out and get in “trouble.” My desires, my likes, my perceptions, are now no longer filtered through an enforced rules-set contrary to my very being. It is only now, in my mid twenties, that I am able to start living life.