So, I find myself once again sitting around being apathetic and bored. It's night-time/early morning, so that cuts out any activity that would make much noise (not that I know what I would do that does). I theoretically could work on learning C++, which I've been incredibly remiss on doing, or mess around with Blender, by poking around at modeling some more or learning how to do animation, but my apathy is leaving me with the though "what's the point?"
To further complicate things, my sleep cycle, which used to be non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome (though undiagnosed because, surprise surprise, it interferes with my ability to make and keep appointments), seems to have completely vanished. I don't mean it's "normal," I mean I simply have no schedule. I'm now sleeping anywhere from 4 to 16 hours at a time, and being awake 10 to 30+ hours in one stretch, with no apparent correlation. One might ask "but wouldn't that still be non-24-hour?" to which the response is "that means having a sleep cycle that's 25-26 hours long instead of 24, not any type of 'schedule' that doesn't conform to a 24 hour cycle." The most probable cause I can figure is either one of my medications that's no longer working as it had, or a hormone shift, though I'm not sure what would have precipitated the latter.
Oh well, this is yet another thing to mention to my doctor at my appointment on Tuesday. I'm already going to be bringing up my breast growth (though it seems to have stopped again), increased hot flashes and chills, occasional mood swings, the mysterious lower back pain I had a few weeks back, a larger ribcage (which I know has happened since I've not gained any weight, yet have needed a larger band size on my bra and cannot wear the corset I made months back anymore), increased hyper-focusing, and my anxiety turning into outright paranoia. Oh, and something possibly more important than all of that, I'm hoping I can get a Barr body test and that it comes back positive.
A quick rundown for those who just got suddenly lost on what I'm talking about. When a cell has multiple X chromosomes only one of them is active, the others are inactive and in a packed up state, which is called a Barr body. Thus, if I do have a Barr body that means I have a second X chromosome, which means I would have some form of intersex condition. There's already plenty reason to suspect that I have Klinefelter's syndrome, which is when a person has two X chromosomes and one Y chromosome, and so the results from a Barr body test would be able to confirm it or rule it out. Barr body tests are also much cheaper than karyotype testing, being around $200 and $1,000 respectively, which puts it into a barely affordable range.
But, of course, there's something that could still complicate things. There's also reason to suspect I have Mosaicism, which is when some cells have a different genotype than the others. This isn't too uncommon for those who have Klinefelter's, and it would certainly go a long way to explaining why I have two distinct hair types: one being fine, straight, and ash blonde, the other being course, curly, and red. Because of this possibility I'm hoping that I can get tested from two places, and since it doesn't matter much where the cells are from so long as they have all the genes in them, I'm planning on having the samples taken from where the hair is nice and distinct from the other. This will be advantageous as it's more likely to find an inactive X chromosome if I have one, as well as seeing if I'm mosaic or not. Even if both spots come back negative it won't be a total loss (even if it'll feel like it), as it would at least rule out some possibilities.
There's a few reasons why I do want to know if I'm intersex. For starters, it'll make it far easier to get my legal sex designation changed. It'll also aid in proper treatment, as the more one knows about their body the better a doctor can understand sypmtoms. Also if it's diagnosed, what passes itself off as my insurance (Medicare) will see procedures as corrective instead of for transition (even though that's corrective); at least after the legal sex designation is changed.
Now to avoid any outrage people might have over my suspicions and hope for positive diagnosis. I am not looking for anything to blame for why I am the way I am. Even if I'm intersexed I will still consider myself transsexual, as I still grew up being treated as a boy and am having to face the ordeal of transition. I actually personally feel that transsexuality should be medically treated as an intersex condition as what very little research has been done on the structure of transsexual brains has shown distinct similarity to their target gender and not the sex declared at birth. (The peer reviewed article about this can be found here, with an easier to read article here.)
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Overdue Update
Once again it has been ages since I updated my blog. In a way almost nothing has happened, or at least nothing I've felt was noteworthy enough. Perhaps this is due to my style of creating massive posts instead of little blurbs, or perhaps because I've never been good at keeping a journal, diary, or other form of written log. Or, perhaps, it's because I feel things that are written down (sometimes even just stated verbally), especially in a long term format, carry a lot more weight and permanency than most of my thoughts which are somewhat fleeting and incredibly dependent on the particular circumstance they're formulated in. Either way I supposed I shouldn't dwell too much on it or I'll go even longer before making a post.
There have actually been a some things I suppose were blog worthy. Things I generally consider small and almost not noteworthy, but from other blogs I've seen it'd be plenty enough material for a post. I guess I do tend towards long posts that are supposed to be very informative or thought provoking, which is why I've considered these of low consequence unworthy of being typed into an area of semi-permanence.
To start, I'll go with some cooking. I've stopped using my family's recipes for pancakes and french toast, having found I prefer the recipes for them out of the Betty Crocker's Big Red Cookbook. Part of the reason for this is that they use less sugar, which since I sometimes have problems with my bloodsugars is a good thing. Actually, I should clarify that I'm using the cookbook as a starting point for the recipes, as I have actually been modifying them. With the pancakes I've been using apple sauce instead of vegetable oil. I've only made french toast from its recipe once, so am not yet sure how I wish to modify that. I might actually double the amount of sugar, which still leaves it at half my family's level, and possibly add in a little vanilla. And lastly, with my spaghetti I've stopped chopping the pepperoni slices into quarters, instead leaving them whole.
As for developmental changes, there have been some. For starters, I now where a 36A, whereas 3 months ago I was a 34NA. I actually tried on my 34A bra, but the band is now too tight. Hell, I'm somewhat wondering if the 36 band is a bit tight, but I'd rather not be buying a new bra every month. I've also been wearing a bra a lot more often than I used to. This is in large part because it protects the breasts from stimulation from my shirt rubbing against them as I move about, and in small part because it helps make them look bigger.
The reason stimulation is a problem I should go into some. I have had a marked decrease in libido and sexual desire as of late. I really have little clue as to why, which is both confusing and aggravating. I mean, I'm finally in a nice triad and I can barely be arsed to even kiss! It's incredibly vexing. Talking about it we figure it's in part hormonally related, as I've always fed off of other people's hormone levels. Now, I am on anti-androgens with no oestrogen intake, and am living with one person who has menses and one person has, and is happy with, normal male levels of testosterone. To further confuse things though, is that when I started the Seroquel, which is for anxiety, depression, sleep problems, etc, and is also an anti-androgen, my libido increased, but now that I'm feeding off of someone's testosterone it's decreased, which is all manners of confusing. Now, part of this might be because I simply cannot get the stimulation I do desire, but that didn't stop me from doing other things when Vene first got here.
To further make things weird, I also seem to have developed cramps at the 'appropriate' time... of Adrian's menses. I also was having fluctuating emotions making me more snippy and sensitive a few days before it. Once again I am reacting to zir hormone cycle more than zie is, or at least appear to be. It is possible that it's just coincidence right now, but I can't figure out any other reason for why my lower back would have been killing me yesterday, starting the night before, and still being sore today. Ibuprofen actually did nothing against the pain, though luckily a hot bath did soothe it. If this happens during the same part of Adrian's next hormone cycle I'll know that it is to blame, but I do know right now that it might not be that.
This is just further reason why Vene is convinced I have an extra X chromosome, at least in some places. It's just that karyotype testing (looking to see what chromosomes a person has) is expensive, and I don't know if I could be diagnosed with an intersex condition without said testing. This would be made even more expensive if I'm mosaic and the test needs to be done from multiple places. I will say though it's slightly disconcerting when a biologist keeps being confused by one's body, and keeps saying "make sense, dammit!" We do have a list of symptoms written up to bring more to the attention of my doctor about this when I see her next, which should be in the next couple weeks as I need to follow up on medication dose levels.
Course, I also need to see my doctor because my anxiety is now turning into full blown paranoia. Definitely not fun, and made even worse when people agree with the reasons my mind has for the paranoia. Still doesn't stop it from being paranoia, as I am super-sizing the concerns and fears. I'm also flinching/ducking and covering more and worse when I hear unexpected noises, like the fire alarm beeping (not going off, just emitting short beeps at irregular intervals, so it's not even that it has a low battery) or the phone ringing.
Well, I guess this is actually enough for a post, being that it's over a thousand words long, so I'll just say adieu for now. I'll have to kick myself to make short posts so I can do so more frequently.
There have actually been a some things I suppose were blog worthy. Things I generally consider small and almost not noteworthy, but from other blogs I've seen it'd be plenty enough material for a post. I guess I do tend towards long posts that are supposed to be very informative or thought provoking, which is why I've considered these of low consequence unworthy of being typed into an area of semi-permanence.
To start, I'll go with some cooking. I've stopped using my family's recipes for pancakes and french toast, having found I prefer the recipes for them out of the Betty Crocker's Big Red Cookbook. Part of the reason for this is that they use less sugar, which since I sometimes have problems with my bloodsugars is a good thing. Actually, I should clarify that I'm using the cookbook as a starting point for the recipes, as I have actually been modifying them. With the pancakes I've been using apple sauce instead of vegetable oil. I've only made french toast from its recipe once, so am not yet sure how I wish to modify that. I might actually double the amount of sugar, which still leaves it at half my family's level, and possibly add in a little vanilla. And lastly, with my spaghetti I've stopped chopping the pepperoni slices into quarters, instead leaving them whole.
As for developmental changes, there have been some. For starters, I now where a 36A, whereas 3 months ago I was a 34NA. I actually tried on my 34A bra, but the band is now too tight. Hell, I'm somewhat wondering if the 36 band is a bit tight, but I'd rather not be buying a new bra every month. I've also been wearing a bra a lot more often than I used to. This is in large part because it protects the breasts from stimulation from my shirt rubbing against them as I move about, and in small part because it helps make them look bigger.
The reason stimulation is a problem I should go into some. I have had a marked decrease in libido and sexual desire as of late. I really have little clue as to why, which is both confusing and aggravating. I mean, I'm finally in a nice triad and I can barely be arsed to even kiss! It's incredibly vexing. Talking about it we figure it's in part hormonally related, as I've always fed off of other people's hormone levels. Now, I am on anti-androgens with no oestrogen intake, and am living with one person who has menses and one person has, and is happy with, normal male levels of testosterone. To further confuse things though, is that when I started the Seroquel, which is for anxiety, depression, sleep problems, etc, and is also an anti-androgen, my libido increased, but now that I'm feeding off of someone's testosterone it's decreased, which is all manners of confusing. Now, part of this might be because I simply cannot get the stimulation I do desire, but that didn't stop me from doing other things when Vene first got here.
To further make things weird, I also seem to have developed cramps at the 'appropriate' time... of Adrian's menses. I also was having fluctuating emotions making me more snippy and sensitive a few days before it. Once again I am reacting to zir hormone cycle more than zie is, or at least appear to be. It is possible that it's just coincidence right now, but I can't figure out any other reason for why my lower back would have been killing me yesterday, starting the night before, and still being sore today. Ibuprofen actually did nothing against the pain, though luckily a hot bath did soothe it. If this happens during the same part of Adrian's next hormone cycle I'll know that it is to blame, but I do know right now that it might not be that.
This is just further reason why Vene is convinced I have an extra X chromosome, at least in some places. It's just that karyotype testing (looking to see what chromosomes a person has) is expensive, and I don't know if I could be diagnosed with an intersex condition without said testing. This would be made even more expensive if I'm mosaic and the test needs to be done from multiple places. I will say though it's slightly disconcerting when a biologist keeps being confused by one's body, and keeps saying "make sense, dammit!" We do have a list of symptoms written up to bring more to the attention of my doctor about this when I see her next, which should be in the next couple weeks as I need to follow up on medication dose levels.
Course, I also need to see my doctor because my anxiety is now turning into full blown paranoia. Definitely not fun, and made even worse when people agree with the reasons my mind has for the paranoia. Still doesn't stop it from being paranoia, as I am super-sizing the concerns and fears. I'm also flinching/ducking and covering more and worse when I hear unexpected noises, like the fire alarm beeping (not going off, just emitting short beeps at irregular intervals, so it's not even that it has a low battery) or the phone ringing.
Well, I guess this is actually enough for a post, being that it's over a thousand words long, so I'll just say adieu for now. I'll have to kick myself to make short posts so I can do so more frequently.
Monday, May 25, 2009
My Future And Transphobia
Well, it's been a while (again) since I last updated, and a lot has happened. Especially in the last week.
To start explaining, it's best to go back a few ago. I started having more contact with Vene (a poster at FSTDT for those who don't know), talking about a large variety of things. I already knew he was cool, and it was awesome that we could talk about biology (it's his major), sci-fi, politics, religion (yes, those two hot button issues that are normally taboo subjects), and, well, everything. One thing kept naturally leading to another, and our relationship grew. We're not sure when it happened, but we fell in love.
"But you're already married!" many would say. Well, as I've been open about already, I'm poly. What's even better is that my mate and Vene get along really well, and because I'm open about pretty much everything everyone knew everything every step of the way. And when I say they "get along really well," I mean that in every way (yes, including in bed). It's totally awesome being in a triad. Yes, there are two others who we plan on having join soon (and yes, they know everything too), and I'm pretty excited about that too, but for this post they're not really factoring in much (sorry Yae-chan and Glitch, but other issues are taking immediate precedence).
So, being the natural desire and step when there's a bit of distance between two people, Vene decided to visit for a couple weeks. We wanted it to be longer, but he already had summer work lined up at the time, and we knew that how well we might get along online, there can be small things when physically together that lead to complications. Once he arrived, sure there were anxieties, but we quickly grew very comfortable together. The kind of comfort that, like my mate and I have always had, has a certain "timelessness" to it. The kind where it doesn't matter if it's been five hours or five years, a lot can be said and conveyed without any words being spoken.
Oh how lucky we are that that is so.
Being that Vene was in college, and it was near the end of the semester, he didn't have all that frequent of contact with his parents, and had his finals to worry about. Further through in that his parents are political moderates in Michigan, and one can further understand why he didn't talk much at all about me to them, as he also feels there should be no reason to hide who and what I am. As such, they didn't find out about me until a week before he left to see me. Also, when he did tell them about me, it was minimal information; mostly that he was going to see a girl he had been talking with for some time for a couple weeks, and the only one of my "issues" he told them about was that I have asperger's.
Apparently, according to Vene's mother, who is a teacher with background in psychology, people with asperger's cannot be trusted. Who knew? Who realized that because I take words literally, and so can be pedantic and exact in my speech, and that I hate lying because it's saying something that's knowingly false, that I cannot be trusted?
As can then be expected when they hold such a view, they really weren't happy with him planning on visiting me for a couple weeks. They threatened to stop helping fund his education, having some bizarre reasoning that threatening to remove one of the few things tying a person to an area just for visiting someone for a very short period of time, and who had every intention of coming right back, was somehow going to make them want to stay in the area where they have almost no ties to. Even then they only drove him to the train station because he just nodded along to most things they spoke at him, because he knew that if they knew any more about me they'd completely refuse to allow him to go, and do what they could to prevent him from coming here. Even though he's 21, and so definitely a legal adult and quite capable of making his own decisions.
Once he was here, and we had spent a couple days seeing just how compatible we are and letting initial emotions and anxieties cool down a little, he started to look into the possibility of getting employed in the area for the summer. At that point it really was just idle curiosity, keeping options open for whatever eventuality would happen.
Then Vene told his parents I'm a transwoman.
To say they reacted negatively is putting it politely. They demanded he give then the exact date and time he was returning home. They decided I wasn't even worth a gorram pronoun. They didn't use a feminine pronoun in quotes, they didn't use a male pronoun, they didn't even call me "it," they felt I didn't deserve anything for a pronoun for which to refer to me. Now, they don't really know much (if anything) about transsexuality, so I can understand someone just being ignorant, but this wasn't just out of ignorance. They didn't once ask for clarification, they didn't once ask anything about me.
Something further that showed that it again wasn't ignorance, but actual hate and transphobia, they later called me a "surgically altered boy." As laughable as that phrase might be on it's own, as well as how completely wrong it is on every word, given the context it was in it clearly demonstrated full out hatred and revile than ignorance with willingness to learn.
Oh, but their transphobia didn't stop there. They then called him, and in words dripping with disgust called me "part girl." Again, the phrase can be amusing when completely out of context, and with some context might demonstrate someone who is ignorant, but when seething with revile and disgust, oozing disapproval and hatred, it is full out hate. As any reasonable person would do, Vene hung up on them, and didn't answer when they tried calling again.
Even as technophobic as they are (thinking nothing online is "real"), they emailed him. They confirmed that they were not going to help with tuition or housing for school, and made it clear they'd make it horrible for him if he came back, and demanded, not asked but demanded, that he be open and honest about what was going on. Obviously, as any person with even a shred of rationality would do, Vene decided to do just that. He wrote what amounts to a long letter for him (which was much longer than his parents seem capable of for email), explaining more about me being trans, and why he uses the female pronouns for me. He even broached on us being poly, how I'm married, my mate fully knows, approves, and supports the decision. He also made it very clear that I've been open with him on everything since day one, not hiding anything.
As was then able to happen, emotions finally hit in full force. Yesterday was very emotionally rough (as that's when he gave the letter of full disclosure), and I know the next few weeks are going to be a bit hard to get through. Also, we're damn glad we looked into possible jobs (even finding out there's more jobs in his field here than there are flat off where he had been), what rent in the areas was, and looked over possible budget should the eventuality happen. Which it did.
We really wanted to take things slower. We really wanted to have more time for planning out the future. Vene's parents however have not given that time. They've forced the issue. They did respond to his email, ignoring almost every point raised in it, and threatened to remove the final things that were holding him there. Vene called them on it, to see how much was bluff and how much was serious. We really weren't surprised to find out it was all serious.
Of course, now Vene's parents have had the audacity to completely change tactics, becoming all "friendly" and "loving" while still reviling me and his decision to even visit. Yet they aren't planning on supporting him beyond giving him a roof under which he'd be berated for his decision. They seem to be hoping that he has such an incredibly poor memory that he would completely forget the abrasiveness they had been using, or that they removed what smidgen of reason he had to stay there, or that they've never given me the tiniest shred of respect. They've forced Vene to choose on whether he wants to loose (almost ?) all ties with them and stay with me, where me and my mate are doing what we can to help him find further education and and a job, to make sure we can help support us instead of being any kind of drain, and give intelligent, rational conversation about any subject, including with the chemistry and biology (as even though a lot of it is a bit above us, we're willing to learn and can still understand the concepts), or to go back to them, where they'll constantly berate him for not only thinking of visiting me but actually doing such, where they'll make it incredibly hard for him to have contact with me, have no understanding or desire to understand what his field of study even is, and otherwise make life a general pain.
Given such a choice it should be pretty easy to know what would be chosen.
Now, just to make sure this isn't all negative, there's a lot to look forward to, and incredible change coming in the next couple months. Having already gone over an expected budget, with the lowest pay from the well over a dozen positions he's going to apply for, and the still lowered SSDI payments my mate is getting (and by all means should be adjusted back to where it had been in the next couple months), at the average rent for a two bedroom apartment in the areas near where the job would be, over-estimating for the utilities, food, car insurance, monthly gas expenses, and healthcare, we still come out well ahead. We might be able to save upwards of $1,000, with the assumptions of worst case income and expenses! Just imagining how much more than that it could be is staggering! We would be able to eat much healthier, have much better living conditions, my mate and I could do a hell of a lot more for transition, and we'd be able to save up for the needed surgeries and expatriation in less than five years!
As should then be obvious I'm ecstatic over what's in store for the very near future. I just really wish it could have worked out that Vene's parents would have even tried to be understanding. I never wanted to come between him and them, but they forced the issue. They made sure to give him no reason to desire to go back. They've even made it clear that he can't even go back for more of his clothes, his books, and other personal effects, as they'd try to trap him there, and that it would not be safe in any way for me to even be near them. They've left us staggering over their desire to not only hate out of ignorance, but that they've made it quite clear that holding onto that hate is far more important than their relationship with their own son, just because he chose to associate with someone towards whom they hold that hatred.
To start explaining, it's best to go back a few ago. I started having more contact with Vene (a poster at FSTDT for those who don't know), talking about a large variety of things. I already knew he was cool, and it was awesome that we could talk about biology (it's his major), sci-fi, politics, religion (yes, those two hot button issues that are normally taboo subjects), and, well, everything. One thing kept naturally leading to another, and our relationship grew. We're not sure when it happened, but we fell in love.
"But you're already married!" many would say. Well, as I've been open about already, I'm poly. What's even better is that my mate and Vene get along really well, and because I'm open about pretty much everything everyone knew everything every step of the way. And when I say they "get along really well," I mean that in every way (yes, including in bed). It's totally awesome being in a triad. Yes, there are two others who we plan on having join soon (and yes, they know everything too), and I'm pretty excited about that too, but for this post they're not really factoring in much (sorry Yae-chan and Glitch, but other issues are taking immediate precedence).
So, being the natural desire and step when there's a bit of distance between two people, Vene decided to visit for a couple weeks. We wanted it to be longer, but he already had summer work lined up at the time, and we knew that how well we might get along online, there can be small things when physically together that lead to complications. Once he arrived, sure there were anxieties, but we quickly grew very comfortable together. The kind of comfort that, like my mate and I have always had, has a certain "timelessness" to it. The kind where it doesn't matter if it's been five hours or five years, a lot can be said and conveyed without any words being spoken.
Oh how lucky we are that that is so.
Being that Vene was in college, and it was near the end of the semester, he didn't have all that frequent of contact with his parents, and had his finals to worry about. Further through in that his parents are political moderates in Michigan, and one can further understand why he didn't talk much at all about me to them, as he also feels there should be no reason to hide who and what I am. As such, they didn't find out about me until a week before he left to see me. Also, when he did tell them about me, it was minimal information; mostly that he was going to see a girl he had been talking with for some time for a couple weeks, and the only one of my "issues" he told them about was that I have asperger's.
Apparently, according to Vene's mother, who is a teacher with background in psychology, people with asperger's cannot be trusted. Who knew? Who realized that because I take words literally, and so can be pedantic and exact in my speech, and that I hate lying because it's saying something that's knowingly false, that I cannot be trusted?
As can then be expected when they hold such a view, they really weren't happy with him planning on visiting me for a couple weeks. They threatened to stop helping fund his education, having some bizarre reasoning that threatening to remove one of the few things tying a person to an area just for visiting someone for a very short period of time, and who had every intention of coming right back, was somehow going to make them want to stay in the area where they have almost no ties to. Even then they only drove him to the train station because he just nodded along to most things they spoke at him, because he knew that if they knew any more about me they'd completely refuse to allow him to go, and do what they could to prevent him from coming here. Even though he's 21, and so definitely a legal adult and quite capable of making his own decisions.
Once he was here, and we had spent a couple days seeing just how compatible we are and letting initial emotions and anxieties cool down a little, he started to look into the possibility of getting employed in the area for the summer. At that point it really was just idle curiosity, keeping options open for whatever eventuality would happen.
Then Vene told his parents I'm a transwoman.
To say they reacted negatively is putting it politely. They demanded he give then the exact date and time he was returning home. They decided I wasn't even worth a gorram pronoun. They didn't use a feminine pronoun in quotes, they didn't use a male pronoun, they didn't even call me "it," they felt I didn't deserve anything for a pronoun for which to refer to me. Now, they don't really know much (if anything) about transsexuality, so I can understand someone just being ignorant, but this wasn't just out of ignorance. They didn't once ask for clarification, they didn't once ask anything about me.
Something further that showed that it again wasn't ignorance, but actual hate and transphobia, they later called me a "surgically altered boy." As laughable as that phrase might be on it's own, as well as how completely wrong it is on every word, given the context it was in it clearly demonstrated full out hatred and revile than ignorance with willingness to learn.
Oh, but their transphobia didn't stop there. They then called him, and in words dripping with disgust called me "part girl." Again, the phrase can be amusing when completely out of context, and with some context might demonstrate someone who is ignorant, but when seething with revile and disgust, oozing disapproval and hatred, it is full out hate. As any reasonable person would do, Vene hung up on them, and didn't answer when they tried calling again.
Even as technophobic as they are (thinking nothing online is "real"), they emailed him. They confirmed that they were not going to help with tuition or housing for school, and made it clear they'd make it horrible for him if he came back, and demanded, not asked but demanded, that he be open and honest about what was going on. Obviously, as any person with even a shred of rationality would do, Vene decided to do just that. He wrote what amounts to a long letter for him (which was much longer than his parents seem capable of for email), explaining more about me being trans, and why he uses the female pronouns for me. He even broached on us being poly, how I'm married, my mate fully knows, approves, and supports the decision. He also made it very clear that I've been open with him on everything since day one, not hiding anything.
As was then able to happen, emotions finally hit in full force. Yesterday was very emotionally rough (as that's when he gave the letter of full disclosure), and I know the next few weeks are going to be a bit hard to get through. Also, we're damn glad we looked into possible jobs (even finding out there's more jobs in his field here than there are flat off where he had been), what rent in the areas was, and looked over possible budget should the eventuality happen. Which it did.
We really wanted to take things slower. We really wanted to have more time for planning out the future. Vene's parents however have not given that time. They've forced the issue. They did respond to his email, ignoring almost every point raised in it, and threatened to remove the final things that were holding him there. Vene called them on it, to see how much was bluff and how much was serious. We really weren't surprised to find out it was all serious.
Of course, now Vene's parents have had the audacity to completely change tactics, becoming all "friendly" and "loving" while still reviling me and his decision to even visit. Yet they aren't planning on supporting him beyond giving him a roof under which he'd be berated for his decision. They seem to be hoping that he has such an incredibly poor memory that he would completely forget the abrasiveness they had been using, or that they removed what smidgen of reason he had to stay there, or that they've never given me the tiniest shred of respect. They've forced Vene to choose on whether he wants to loose (almost ?) all ties with them and stay with me, where me and my mate are doing what we can to help him find further education and and a job, to make sure we can help support us instead of being any kind of drain, and give intelligent, rational conversation about any subject, including with the chemistry and biology (as even though a lot of it is a bit above us, we're willing to learn and can still understand the concepts), or to go back to them, where they'll constantly berate him for not only thinking of visiting me but actually doing such, where they'll make it incredibly hard for him to have contact with me, have no understanding or desire to understand what his field of study even is, and otherwise make life a general pain.
Given such a choice it should be pretty easy to know what would be chosen.
Now, just to make sure this isn't all negative, there's a lot to look forward to, and incredible change coming in the next couple months. Having already gone over an expected budget, with the lowest pay from the well over a dozen positions he's going to apply for, and the still lowered SSDI payments my mate is getting (and by all means should be adjusted back to where it had been in the next couple months), at the average rent for a two bedroom apartment in the areas near where the job would be, over-estimating for the utilities, food, car insurance, monthly gas expenses, and healthcare, we still come out well ahead. We might be able to save upwards of $1,000, with the assumptions of worst case income and expenses! Just imagining how much more than that it could be is staggering! We would be able to eat much healthier, have much better living conditions, my mate and I could do a hell of a lot more for transition, and we'd be able to save up for the needed surgeries and expatriation in less than five years!
As should then be obvious I'm ecstatic over what's in store for the very near future. I just really wish it could have worked out that Vene's parents would have even tried to be understanding. I never wanted to come between him and them, but they forced the issue. They made sure to give him no reason to desire to go back. They've even made it clear that he can't even go back for more of his clothes, his books, and other personal effects, as they'd try to trap him there, and that it would not be safe in any way for me to even be near them. They've left us staggering over their desire to not only hate out of ignorance, but that they've made it quite clear that holding onto that hate is far more important than their relationship with their own son, just because he chose to associate with someone towards whom they hold that hatred.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Social Security Banditry
Well, it's been a long time since I last updated, and a lot has happened (well, relatively speaking I guess). To start, the Celexa wasn't working for me, so I got put on Seroquel, which so far seems to help. I've had a lot of stuff piling on top and life dumped a huge load on me yesterday (more on that in a bit), which by all means "should" have sent me into a ginormous panic attack, yet didn't. I do seem to be having some hypo-mania, but because I'm recognizing it I'm able to work around it (or by having my mate make decisions instead of me) it's not as debilitating as full on panic attacks and extreme depression.
To start, over the last few weeks I've had someone bothering me for help with their relationship issues. I obliged, cause I thought I might be able to give some advice, and advice I did give and in spades, as it were. Problem is, advice is only helpful if the person actually listens to it, and tries follow it. Ignoring advice, or going against it, when you admit it's good advice, is a really stupid thing to do; especially when most of the advice is to just have so fucking patience! Patience is not re-asking how long something will take when it was just answered; it is not complaining after five hours when they're told it'll take months. Oh, and it wasn't just a complete dearth of patience, there was also the constant thoughts about how he could "get back" at her, for what he allowed her to do and so she didn't realize he had problems with (in this case seeing someone closer as they're separated by an ocean), or the constant "telling her how it is" when he doesn't have contact with the boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend and so is very clueless as to what is even maybe really going on. Or the complete lack of understanding why she might be having problems with that, or even how any thought process goes or what she means by what she said or, even worse, how she would misunderstand what he meant when he seems completely oblivious to this thing called "punctuation," and grammar is mostly an after-thought when it's there. And yet, for all his troubles using the English language, which is his native language, he claims to be a writer...
Well, things finally came to a close with that cause he bothered me too much about his problems which, quite frankly, are quite petty in comparison to the ones I've been having and then had land on me that morning. Oh, though he didn't really know cause, like always, he didn't even ask me how I was, just went straight into complaining. I yelled at him about it, had my mate take over and yell some more, and then got him blocked so I wouldn't have to deal with his crap. Seriously, I've put up with it for weeks, and he's not actually listened to a single damn thing I said, never care how I was, tried to be chummy so as to draw me into a false sense of camaraderie, and then also had the audacity to be feigning depression (which always just "went away" when he "understood" something) so "extreme" that he felt he was better off dead, perhaps by his own hand. Yeah, total passive aggressive abusive behaviour there. No wonder his girlfriend left. Oh well, now that he's blocked I shouldn't have to deal with him much any more (he still posts at the forums I go to, but he doesn't post much and I can keep that separate).
Speaking of forums, I actually became a moderator at FSTDT.net. I think it's nice cause I'm able to then have what I feel is a greater level of participation and interaction, but primarily it gives a lot more responsibilities. That's why I had actually turned down the offer half a year or more back, as I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle the level of responsibility, but with having meds that are actually working to some degree I believe I'm able to handle it now. This, of course, is now getting tested as I've been having to do a bit in the last couple days. Not a problem in itself, but combined with everything else it still adds to the pile.
Now for the grand finale of what happened yesterday. My mate go a letter in the mail from Social Security. They're claiming they screwed up the calculation of his pay, back in '03, and so now he owes them what they "overpaid" from them, and it totals $22,155. And somehow they think it can be paid in one lump sum within the next couple weeks. Well, they said a month from when we got the letter, and they'd assume we got it 5 days after the date posted on the letterhead, but when we called in today they said a month from the day on the letter. This date happens to say April 19th, so instead of having 30 days from yesterday to handle it, or even until May 24th, we only have until May 19th to get this dealt with; which leaves us with barely over 2 weeks, half the time they said we should have. Oh, this gets even better. They also failed to include the return envelope which they claimed they included for a form they want us fill out and mail in. Also, they're docking his pay by ~$300/mo, which since we've been barely scraping by means we will not be able to make ends meet, no matter how we try to cut costs. Oh, and I'm sure they carefully calculated things too, as with the new amount and my SSDI income, we get $46 over the poverty line, which then of course disqualifies us for other benefits and puts us further in the hole they're doing their best to bury us in.
Well, in the call today we did manage to find out what the "miscalculation" was in relation to. It's apparently because my mate qualifies for Worker's Compensation; and no, they couldn't specify from which job. Course, we're clueless as to what job it could possibly be too, as he's only worked for the USAF (and got honourably discharged from), which would would be something other than Worker's Comp., and one day at a grocery store that was spent in training, before he quite cause he couldn't handle the working conditions. How then can he qualify for Worker's Comp. from anything? And even if he did qualify, how the fuck did they not inform us of this earlier? Also, how did it take them 5 year to catch this, missing it in the yearly payment reviews (mostly to calculate the cost of living increase) and his 3 year reviews for maintaining eligibility for it?
Oh, and just to rub salt into the wound they just made, they said that if we couldn't pay the $22,155 by the deadline, they'd dock it from his pay, which they were going to lower, and that he would then be getting $459/mo starting in June. Well, it's not June in any part of the world yet, and yet they have already cut his pay! We got paid today and, whaddya know, it was only $459, even though we have NOT had any time to even appeal their decision that it should even be cut! I guess they figure they can get away with ripping us off like this, and thereby putting us at too low an income to meet even basic living needs (and we live in a cheap-ass apartment too), as we're both disabled and have problems with paperwork and so are then less likely to successfully raise a stink about this.
Well, I'm damn glad the Seroquel is working, and that I know some people who can hopefully get us help, and even the others I know who are there for us to rant at and get emotional comfort and support from.
This is an outrage. This is possibly illegal what they're doing too, as they're not even going by what they claim is the proper procedure; which means they're either fucking up big time about unjust fees and pay cuts or are guilty of perjury.
To start, over the last few weeks I've had someone bothering me for help with their relationship issues. I obliged, cause I thought I might be able to give some advice, and advice I did give and in spades, as it were. Problem is, advice is only helpful if the person actually listens to it, and tries follow it. Ignoring advice, or going against it, when you admit it's good advice, is a really stupid thing to do; especially when most of the advice is to just have so fucking patience! Patience is not re-asking how long something will take when it was just answered; it is not complaining after five hours when they're told it'll take months. Oh, and it wasn't just a complete dearth of patience, there was also the constant thoughts about how he could "get back" at her, for what he allowed her to do and so she didn't realize he had problems with (in this case seeing someone closer as they're separated by an ocean), or the constant "telling her how it is" when he doesn't have contact with the boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend and so is very clueless as to what is even maybe really going on. Or the complete lack of understanding why she might be having problems with that, or even how any thought process goes or what she means by what she said or, even worse, how she would misunderstand what he meant when he seems completely oblivious to this thing called "punctuation," and grammar is mostly an after-thought when it's there. And yet, for all his troubles using the English language, which is his native language, he claims to be a writer...
Well, things finally came to a close with that cause he bothered me too much about his problems which, quite frankly, are quite petty in comparison to the ones I've been having and then had land on me that morning. Oh, though he didn't really know cause, like always, he didn't even ask me how I was, just went straight into complaining. I yelled at him about it, had my mate take over and yell some more, and then got him blocked so I wouldn't have to deal with his crap. Seriously, I've put up with it for weeks, and he's not actually listened to a single damn thing I said, never care how I was, tried to be chummy so as to draw me into a false sense of camaraderie, and then also had the audacity to be feigning depression (which always just "went away" when he "understood" something) so "extreme" that he felt he was better off dead, perhaps by his own hand. Yeah, total passive aggressive abusive behaviour there. No wonder his girlfriend left. Oh well, now that he's blocked I shouldn't have to deal with him much any more (he still posts at the forums I go to, but he doesn't post much and I can keep that separate).
Speaking of forums, I actually became a moderator at FSTDT.net. I think it's nice cause I'm able to then have what I feel is a greater level of participation and interaction, but primarily it gives a lot more responsibilities. That's why I had actually turned down the offer half a year or more back, as I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle the level of responsibility, but with having meds that are actually working to some degree I believe I'm able to handle it now. This, of course, is now getting tested as I've been having to do a bit in the last couple days. Not a problem in itself, but combined with everything else it still adds to the pile.
Now for the grand finale of what happened yesterday. My mate go a letter in the mail from Social Security. They're claiming they screwed up the calculation of his pay, back in '03, and so now he owes them what they "overpaid" from them, and it totals $22,155. And somehow they think it can be paid in one lump sum within the next couple weeks. Well, they said a month from when we got the letter, and they'd assume we got it 5 days after the date posted on the letterhead, but when we called in today they said a month from the day on the letter. This date happens to say April 19th, so instead of having 30 days from yesterday to handle it, or even until May 24th, we only have until May 19th to get this dealt with; which leaves us with barely over 2 weeks, half the time they said we should have. Oh, this gets even better. They also failed to include the return envelope which they claimed they included for a form they want us fill out and mail in. Also, they're docking his pay by ~$300/mo, which since we've been barely scraping by means we will not be able to make ends meet, no matter how we try to cut costs. Oh, and I'm sure they carefully calculated things too, as with the new amount and my SSDI income, we get $46 over the poverty line, which then of course disqualifies us for other benefits and puts us further in the hole they're doing their best to bury us in.
Well, in the call today we did manage to find out what the "miscalculation" was in relation to. It's apparently because my mate qualifies for Worker's Compensation; and no, they couldn't specify from which job. Course, we're clueless as to what job it could possibly be too, as he's only worked for the USAF (and got honourably discharged from), which would would be something other than Worker's Comp., and one day at a grocery store that was spent in training, before he quite cause he couldn't handle the working conditions. How then can he qualify for Worker's Comp. from anything? And even if he did qualify, how the fuck did they not inform us of this earlier? Also, how did it take them 5 year to catch this, missing it in the yearly payment reviews (mostly to calculate the cost of living increase) and his 3 year reviews for maintaining eligibility for it?
Oh, and just to rub salt into the wound they just made, they said that if we couldn't pay the $22,155 by the deadline, they'd dock it from his pay, which they were going to lower, and that he would then be getting $459/mo starting in June. Well, it's not June in any part of the world yet, and yet they have already cut his pay! We got paid today and, whaddya know, it was only $459, even though we have NOT had any time to even appeal their decision that it should even be cut! I guess they figure they can get away with ripping us off like this, and thereby putting us at too low an income to meet even basic living needs (and we live in a cheap-ass apartment too), as we're both disabled and have problems with paperwork and so are then less likely to successfully raise a stink about this.
Well, I'm damn glad the Seroquel is working, and that I know some people who can hopefully get us help, and even the others I know who are there for us to rant at and get emotional comfort and support from.
This is an outrage. This is possibly illegal what they're doing too, as they're not even going by what they claim is the proper procedure; which means they're either fucking up big time about unjust fees and pay cuts or are guilty of perjury.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
A View On Gender Lines
Well, I suppose it's about time I actually made another post regarding transsexuality.
One view people have regarding transsexuality that has been brought to my attention is that they feel it's mostly for the clothing. I've even had it pointed out to me (even though I was already aware of these facts) that men can wear kilts and so have a socially acceptable skirt, and there's an increase in acceptance of metro-sexuality, and so it's now socially acceptable (as it has been in past ages) for men to wear makeup, carefully care for their skin, hair and nails. It's also now socially acceptable for men to be the one to stay at home and take care of the housework. There's even transvestism, which has been having an increase in social acceptability as well, where men queen it up, either being stylistically over the top in it or being moderate with it and just enjoying the feel of the clothes and different social attention. However, none of these are me.
I'm perfectly fine with men who do any or all of the above. I think it's actually really cool, and it in no way do I think such demasculanises them. Even years ago, long before I was able to seriously question my gender identity I was perfectly fine with those, even before they were really socially acceptable. However, even then I knew it wasn't for me.
If I had been asked at the time, I wouldn't have been able to really give a reason as to why. It was something I occasionally tried to think about, but I always avoided the answer. Of course now I know why that was, as my subconscious was protecting me from a path that I couldn't start down at the time. I even consciously knew I couldn't really try coming to a concrete answer about my questioning what it would be like if i had been born a girl, nor did I allow myself to ponder it for long. I always used the same end conclusion, even if it didn't seem like it was really correct, in that I was a guy because of what rested between my legs. But the thing is, that's the only reason I was able to use as an answer. A pure physical limiter, ignoring what other physical differences that weren't there, or mannerisms. In fact I had to strictly limit my mannerisms to make sure they meshed with what my physical state, and hence what society said my gender had to be with no exception. To go against such would be to rebel against society, and society does not like those who disrupt it. But yes, I remember realising that some of the ways I liked to walk, or sit, and other such things were seen as girly behaviour, and in order to not face rejection, in order to not get in trouble for going against those unwritten rules regarding gender roles, I had to stop doing them, to train it out of my system so that I wouldn't accidentally slip up at an inopportune time and get in trouble for something I didn't mean to be doing. But I don't mean to really be covering mannerisms and other realisations from when I was really little.
As I got older I learnt more about the world and got exposed to some subcultures. I learnt that some men, outside of theatre, used makeup, and took extraordinary care of their skin and hair. I thought it a little weird at first, but I knew that historically it had been acceptable, and even seen as quite manly, to do so, and so really had no trouble with the idea. I didn't do it, in part because it still wasn't that socially acceptable and in part because I had a very, very low body image. I couldn't be arsed to care for my body that much because I simply didn't like it and was not comfortable with it.
Because I have a little bit of Scottish heritage one article of clothing that came up for consideration was the kilt. Yes, the kilt, the "man's skirt" as some jokingly call it. It's actually a cool article of men's clothing, and I have a lot of respect for those who are man enough to wear one in public (because some people aren't too jokingly calling it a skirt). Now, I never actually tried wearing one for a few reasons. One was that I would have to buy (or make) one, and since I didn't know how much I would ever use it and they're not exactly cheap, it wasn't an option. Another is because it would have shown my legs. This was problematic because I hated that they had hair on them, but yet it is, or at least was, socially unacceptable for a man to shave them (I didn't know about male swimmers then, but even since finding out that they shave their legs for less drag in the water, I also know they get a bit of flack for doing so). The other reason, which I could only barely admit to myself and felt too embarrassed about to try sharing at the time, was that even though I know kilts are definitely men's clothing, and I'd really only wear one where it's acceptable (such as at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival which had a Scottish weekend during those years), I knew that it would feel too much like a skirt to me.
Now, before people try jumping down my throat for this, the thing was that even at the time I knew that it was a little... hypocritical isn't the right word, nor is cognitive dissonance. I knew that it wasn't right to feel that others wearing kilts was perfectly fine, and in fact even somewhat admirable, but that for me to try wearing one would be me "wearing a skirt." At the time I just knew the thought process was flawed, but didn't know exactly why, nor did I feel that I could really explore the reasons for why it was that way. Now, of course, I realise what those reasons are; it's because it would have put me into a situation where I could easily slip from the carefully held acceptable gender identity to the one I always wondered about, one that at the time I couldn't admit, not even to myself, that I longed for.
I find it difficult to express exactly how this thought process goes, and I feel what I said above does not properly convey it. At the time I held to the identity that I was a man, but it didn't come naturally for me. That's a part that's hard for many to understand; it was the role forced upon me because of my genitals, and so in order to fit into society instead of being completely ostracised and punished for it I had to conform to the role and rules society had that dictated how one must be. It also doesn't help that I have Auspergers, and so try to classify things, make sure they're ordered and logical, and also have a lack of empathy and understanding of most people. This left me fairly blind to where exactly lines for acceptability were, to know exactly what behaviours were and were not allowed to me. I had to sit back and passively observe, trying to glean information that I didn't even know exactly how to look for, and had no clue on how to ask about. Of course, even if I had figured out how to word questions, I felt it was completely unacceptable for one to ask how their gender was allowed to act and was supposed to be like, for one was just supposed to mysteriously know. It was supposed to be this inborn knowledge, as others had it without being told, without being corrected, without having to ask, or having to observe to figure out. It was among the mysterious knowledge that others had and I didn't, part of what separated me from society and left me as an outsider.
As a side comment, because of this feeling of alieness and how others knew all of this information on how to interact, how to act in situations that I didn't, and they all agreed where I was confused, made me wonder if they acted by script around me, much like actors did on screen. They always seemed to know what to say, could have very flowing conversations without having to pause a bit figuring out how to intelligibly word their sentences. Their large motor skill actions (not that I knew the term at the time) were a lot better than mine, as though they were practiced and rehearsed, again much like actors in movies and shows. It lead me to question whether others were all putting on an elaborate show, for some unknown reason. Yes, I know it sounds like The Truman Show, but I seriously did wonder about it as a child. Of course I never told people about it, or questioned them, because I figured if they were acting, they'd have scripted lines for denying it, so it'd be impossible to disprove, but of course I also couldn't prove it and so was left at an impasse.
Side note out of the way, this alieness, this lack of innate knowledge that everyone else seemed to posses (and that I couldn't even comment on because they'd most likely not believe me and get me in trouble that way, or I'd be in trouble for not knowing what I automatically should, and so was best to just keep my mouth shut on the matter), left me in such a state that I had to be be very careful that I not do anything that would confuse me as to where the line was as I couldn't see it. To give a poor analogy, it's like being told to stay in the yard, cause wandering even a step out of it will get you in trouble, but there's no fence and they don't tell you where the boundary is. You're then left having to either try exploring where the boundary is and getting in trouble each time you cross it, having to stay huddled by the door and so get yelled at for not playing with the others, or having to very carefully watch the other kids in the yard, and having to figure out which belong in the yard, which are neighbour kids in their yard, and from that figure out where the boundary is. You also know you can't ask the other kids, cause they'll intentionally get you in trouble for not knowing, and there's some kids that traverse back and forth over the invisible boundary, and while they don't get in trouble you know you will if you even attempt it.
Because of this a kilt was out of the question for me. It's an article of clothing that starts to blur the line, to cross over that invisible boundary, because there really is very little difference between a kilt and some skirts beyond the simple design differences of cut and fabric. If I were to wear one I would become accustomed to it, and so no longer think about those minor difference, much as one doesn't often think about the minor differences in men's and women's pants. In my mind, even if in no one else's, I would start to forget where that boundary is, and so toe ever closer and closer until I'm farther and farther over it, and because I can not see it, and there's very few "landmarks" for noting where it is, I wouldn't even realised I had transgressed against the strict boundaries society has. This is not to say I would have started wearing frilly dresses soon afterwards while still trying to hold to societies role of a man, but that instead my mind would slip into which side of the fence I was really supposed to be on. Oh, yes, there was (and sadly still is) that near constant physical reminder, but in moments of laxness when it isn't making itself prominently known and I'm distracted from making sure I don't cross that boundary, I know I would have slipped over it.
Therein was also a fear. A deep seated fear of being outcast and punished by society, and it doesn't take much to realise that those whom society deals completely unfit or contrary to it are harshly punished. History easily showed how much that those who didn't conform to it's will were often very harshly treated and oppressed, and that's when it was against large groups of people! How much harsher then would it be against an individual, I wondered, as I didn't know there were others like me. Because of this fear I knew that I must avoid anything that might lead me to stepping over that boundary I couldn't see, nor even understand why it was there. It didn't matter how curious I was, or how much more natural and comfortable different actions and mannerisms from "the other side" was, because of something I had absolutely no control or say over I was limited to this unspoken, codified set of strict rules that if I strayed too far over from, or pushed or even questioned to hard at, that I would then have to wish for mercy as society turned against me. Oh, yes, people would do various actions that crossed over the boundary, but I couldn't figure out how far over they could go, or how many activities, or which combinations of activities, was allowable and what was not. It was a confusing, chaotic jumble that made no sense to me, that I could see no pattern in, but that others appeared to innately know and follow.
Because I simply could not see these invisible boundaries or comprehend why they were they way they were, I had to hold myself to a much stricter guideline than others had in order to make sure I wouldn't veer to far the "wrong" direction. Thing is I could only hold to these artificial boundaries for so long. I could only go against what innately felt right, what came naturally, for so long. I reached the breaking point for it almost two years ago now, when I finally was able to pull up the courage to admit to myself and my mate the question on my gender, and was able to finally, with an incredible amount of help and support from my mate, start the process of truly answering what my innate gender was, as opposed to what society dictated based on circumstances of my birth that I had no control over. Thing is, once I crossed that invisible boundary, once I was finally able to explore what the other side was like, I knew there was no going back. It took me a few days to fully accept it myself. After a week of living on the other side of that invisible boundary I tried to go back to the side I grew up on to better compare. I honestly tried my hardest to do so, but I couldn't even make it two days because I finally knew some of what had been wrong. I finally knew where that boundary was, I could finally see were it was and know the accepted limits, could push back and forth over it without causing a stir, except for one, tiny problem. It was against what I had been raised as and tried to live as for 25 years. I finally knew how I could fit into society, could finally feel comfortable in my body and fully accept the aspect I had always liked (such as I had always liked that I had hips as a kid, though as I grew older I mostly lost them from becoming underweight). I could finally act in ways that were natural to me. I could finally walk, and sit, and talk in ways that came naturally, without effort.
This of course was a very profound realization. It took me a while to really understand it, and I took a long time making sure that yes, I was sure and comfortable with it before even going to a psychologist about it. After that I again took a long time getting more comfortable and sure about it, allowing myself to express myself more naturally, before informing family about it. I knew there would be problems with them coming to terms with it, with even beginning to understand what it was and what it meant. I still don't think they really understand it, and fully accepting it is still a ways away. It's been hard on my friends too for understanding and accepting it. I do admit it is a huge change, for someone to shift from one social gender role to the other, and so I hold no blame to those having a hard time grasping it.
One thing this ordeal has led me to do, beyond do everything I reasonably can to work on transition, is to make sure others have information regarding it that I did not have. The first several months I actually toyed with the idea of deep stealth, meaning that only a very few people would know I was trans and grew up as a boy, but as time wore on and I became more comfortable and confidant as a woman, I foudn I cared less and less about being in stealth. Oh, I sure don't want people who don't know me to know on sight, as I do want to be able to blend into society (I much prefer the term "blend" over "pass," as it's not a test or something to be ashamed of), but I've found that not only do I not care if others find out I'm trans (as long as they cause me no grief over it), but that by being informative and open about it I can help others who are in similar situations to how I had been. I also know I have helped some people in realising they are not alone in their feelings, that transition is a possibility, that they aren't complete social rejects at that there's nothing wrong with them for not conforming to how society tried to dictate. That in itself has made my being open about it completely worthwhile, to better cope with the difficulties I've been having. I know it sounds kinda cheesy, but I am serious that in knowing I'm helping others find the anwers to their questions, even if they aren't trans themselves, or are transgender in another way, but just that I'm able to help them learn, understand, and be more comfortable with themselves that it really brightens my day, and makes difficulties I've been through easier to bear.
One view people have regarding transsexuality that has been brought to my attention is that they feel it's mostly for the clothing. I've even had it pointed out to me (even though I was already aware of these facts) that men can wear kilts and so have a socially acceptable skirt, and there's an increase in acceptance of metro-sexuality, and so it's now socially acceptable (as it has been in past ages) for men to wear makeup, carefully care for their skin, hair and nails. It's also now socially acceptable for men to be the one to stay at home and take care of the housework. There's even transvestism, which has been having an increase in social acceptability as well, where men queen it up, either being stylistically over the top in it or being moderate with it and just enjoying the feel of the clothes and different social attention. However, none of these are me.
I'm perfectly fine with men who do any or all of the above. I think it's actually really cool, and it in no way do I think such demasculanises them. Even years ago, long before I was able to seriously question my gender identity I was perfectly fine with those, even before they were really socially acceptable. However, even then I knew it wasn't for me.
If I had been asked at the time, I wouldn't have been able to really give a reason as to why. It was something I occasionally tried to think about, but I always avoided the answer. Of course now I know why that was, as my subconscious was protecting me from a path that I couldn't start down at the time. I even consciously knew I couldn't really try coming to a concrete answer about my questioning what it would be like if i had been born a girl, nor did I allow myself to ponder it for long. I always used the same end conclusion, even if it didn't seem like it was really correct, in that I was a guy because of what rested between my legs. But the thing is, that's the only reason I was able to use as an answer. A pure physical limiter, ignoring what other physical differences that weren't there, or mannerisms. In fact I had to strictly limit my mannerisms to make sure they meshed with what my physical state, and hence what society said my gender had to be with no exception. To go against such would be to rebel against society, and society does not like those who disrupt it. But yes, I remember realising that some of the ways I liked to walk, or sit, and other such things were seen as girly behaviour, and in order to not face rejection, in order to not get in trouble for going against those unwritten rules regarding gender roles, I had to stop doing them, to train it out of my system so that I wouldn't accidentally slip up at an inopportune time and get in trouble for something I didn't mean to be doing. But I don't mean to really be covering mannerisms and other realisations from when I was really little.
As I got older I learnt more about the world and got exposed to some subcultures. I learnt that some men, outside of theatre, used makeup, and took extraordinary care of their skin and hair. I thought it a little weird at first, but I knew that historically it had been acceptable, and even seen as quite manly, to do so, and so really had no trouble with the idea. I didn't do it, in part because it still wasn't that socially acceptable and in part because I had a very, very low body image. I couldn't be arsed to care for my body that much because I simply didn't like it and was not comfortable with it.
Because I have a little bit of Scottish heritage one article of clothing that came up for consideration was the kilt. Yes, the kilt, the "man's skirt" as some jokingly call it. It's actually a cool article of men's clothing, and I have a lot of respect for those who are man enough to wear one in public (because some people aren't too jokingly calling it a skirt). Now, I never actually tried wearing one for a few reasons. One was that I would have to buy (or make) one, and since I didn't know how much I would ever use it and they're not exactly cheap, it wasn't an option. Another is because it would have shown my legs. This was problematic because I hated that they had hair on them, but yet it is, or at least was, socially unacceptable for a man to shave them (I didn't know about male swimmers then, but even since finding out that they shave their legs for less drag in the water, I also know they get a bit of flack for doing so). The other reason, which I could only barely admit to myself and felt too embarrassed about to try sharing at the time, was that even though I know kilts are definitely men's clothing, and I'd really only wear one where it's acceptable (such as at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival which had a Scottish weekend during those years), I knew that it would feel too much like a skirt to me.
Now, before people try jumping down my throat for this, the thing was that even at the time I knew that it was a little... hypocritical isn't the right word, nor is cognitive dissonance. I knew that it wasn't right to feel that others wearing kilts was perfectly fine, and in fact even somewhat admirable, but that for me to try wearing one would be me "wearing a skirt." At the time I just knew the thought process was flawed, but didn't know exactly why, nor did I feel that I could really explore the reasons for why it was that way. Now, of course, I realise what those reasons are; it's because it would have put me into a situation where I could easily slip from the carefully held acceptable gender identity to the one I always wondered about, one that at the time I couldn't admit, not even to myself, that I longed for.
I find it difficult to express exactly how this thought process goes, and I feel what I said above does not properly convey it. At the time I held to the identity that I was a man, but it didn't come naturally for me. That's a part that's hard for many to understand; it was the role forced upon me because of my genitals, and so in order to fit into society instead of being completely ostracised and punished for it I had to conform to the role and rules society had that dictated how one must be. It also doesn't help that I have Auspergers, and so try to classify things, make sure they're ordered and logical, and also have a lack of empathy and understanding of most people. This left me fairly blind to where exactly lines for acceptability were, to know exactly what behaviours were and were not allowed to me. I had to sit back and passively observe, trying to glean information that I didn't even know exactly how to look for, and had no clue on how to ask about. Of course, even if I had figured out how to word questions, I felt it was completely unacceptable for one to ask how their gender was allowed to act and was supposed to be like, for one was just supposed to mysteriously know. It was supposed to be this inborn knowledge, as others had it without being told, without being corrected, without having to ask, or having to observe to figure out. It was among the mysterious knowledge that others had and I didn't, part of what separated me from society and left me as an outsider.
As a side comment, because of this feeling of alieness and how others knew all of this information on how to interact, how to act in situations that I didn't, and they all agreed where I was confused, made me wonder if they acted by script around me, much like actors did on screen. They always seemed to know what to say, could have very flowing conversations without having to pause a bit figuring out how to intelligibly word their sentences. Their large motor skill actions (not that I knew the term at the time) were a lot better than mine, as though they were practiced and rehearsed, again much like actors in movies and shows. It lead me to question whether others were all putting on an elaborate show, for some unknown reason. Yes, I know it sounds like The Truman Show, but I seriously did wonder about it as a child. Of course I never told people about it, or questioned them, because I figured if they were acting, they'd have scripted lines for denying it, so it'd be impossible to disprove, but of course I also couldn't prove it and so was left at an impasse.
Side note out of the way, this alieness, this lack of innate knowledge that everyone else seemed to posses (and that I couldn't even comment on because they'd most likely not believe me and get me in trouble that way, or I'd be in trouble for not knowing what I automatically should, and so was best to just keep my mouth shut on the matter), left me in such a state that I had to be be very careful that I not do anything that would confuse me as to where the line was as I couldn't see it. To give a poor analogy, it's like being told to stay in the yard, cause wandering even a step out of it will get you in trouble, but there's no fence and they don't tell you where the boundary is. You're then left having to either try exploring where the boundary is and getting in trouble each time you cross it, having to stay huddled by the door and so get yelled at for not playing with the others, or having to very carefully watch the other kids in the yard, and having to figure out which belong in the yard, which are neighbour kids in their yard, and from that figure out where the boundary is. You also know you can't ask the other kids, cause they'll intentionally get you in trouble for not knowing, and there's some kids that traverse back and forth over the invisible boundary, and while they don't get in trouble you know you will if you even attempt it.
Because of this a kilt was out of the question for me. It's an article of clothing that starts to blur the line, to cross over that invisible boundary, because there really is very little difference between a kilt and some skirts beyond the simple design differences of cut and fabric. If I were to wear one I would become accustomed to it, and so no longer think about those minor difference, much as one doesn't often think about the minor differences in men's and women's pants. In my mind, even if in no one else's, I would start to forget where that boundary is, and so toe ever closer and closer until I'm farther and farther over it, and because I can not see it, and there's very few "landmarks" for noting where it is, I wouldn't even realised I had transgressed against the strict boundaries society has. This is not to say I would have started wearing frilly dresses soon afterwards while still trying to hold to societies role of a man, but that instead my mind would slip into which side of the fence I was really supposed to be on. Oh, yes, there was (and sadly still is) that near constant physical reminder, but in moments of laxness when it isn't making itself prominently known and I'm distracted from making sure I don't cross that boundary, I know I would have slipped over it.
Therein was also a fear. A deep seated fear of being outcast and punished by society, and it doesn't take much to realise that those whom society deals completely unfit or contrary to it are harshly punished. History easily showed how much that those who didn't conform to it's will were often very harshly treated and oppressed, and that's when it was against large groups of people! How much harsher then would it be against an individual, I wondered, as I didn't know there were others like me. Because of this fear I knew that I must avoid anything that might lead me to stepping over that boundary I couldn't see, nor even understand why it was there. It didn't matter how curious I was, or how much more natural and comfortable different actions and mannerisms from "the other side" was, because of something I had absolutely no control or say over I was limited to this unspoken, codified set of strict rules that if I strayed too far over from, or pushed or even questioned to hard at, that I would then have to wish for mercy as society turned against me. Oh, yes, people would do various actions that crossed over the boundary, but I couldn't figure out how far over they could go, or how many activities, or which combinations of activities, was allowable and what was not. It was a confusing, chaotic jumble that made no sense to me, that I could see no pattern in, but that others appeared to innately know and follow.
Because I simply could not see these invisible boundaries or comprehend why they were they way they were, I had to hold myself to a much stricter guideline than others had in order to make sure I wouldn't veer to far the "wrong" direction. Thing is I could only hold to these artificial boundaries for so long. I could only go against what innately felt right, what came naturally, for so long. I reached the breaking point for it almost two years ago now, when I finally was able to pull up the courage to admit to myself and my mate the question on my gender, and was able to finally, with an incredible amount of help and support from my mate, start the process of truly answering what my innate gender was, as opposed to what society dictated based on circumstances of my birth that I had no control over. Thing is, once I crossed that invisible boundary, once I was finally able to explore what the other side was like, I knew there was no going back. It took me a few days to fully accept it myself. After a week of living on the other side of that invisible boundary I tried to go back to the side I grew up on to better compare. I honestly tried my hardest to do so, but I couldn't even make it two days because I finally knew some of what had been wrong. I finally knew where that boundary was, I could finally see were it was and know the accepted limits, could push back and forth over it without causing a stir, except for one, tiny problem. It was against what I had been raised as and tried to live as for 25 years. I finally knew how I could fit into society, could finally feel comfortable in my body and fully accept the aspect I had always liked (such as I had always liked that I had hips as a kid, though as I grew older I mostly lost them from becoming underweight). I could finally act in ways that were natural to me. I could finally walk, and sit, and talk in ways that came naturally, without effort.
This of course was a very profound realization. It took me a while to really understand it, and I took a long time making sure that yes, I was sure and comfortable with it before even going to a psychologist about it. After that I again took a long time getting more comfortable and sure about it, allowing myself to express myself more naturally, before informing family about it. I knew there would be problems with them coming to terms with it, with even beginning to understand what it was and what it meant. I still don't think they really understand it, and fully accepting it is still a ways away. It's been hard on my friends too for understanding and accepting it. I do admit it is a huge change, for someone to shift from one social gender role to the other, and so I hold no blame to those having a hard time grasping it.
One thing this ordeal has led me to do, beyond do everything I reasonably can to work on transition, is to make sure others have information regarding it that I did not have. The first several months I actually toyed with the idea of deep stealth, meaning that only a very few people would know I was trans and grew up as a boy, but as time wore on and I became more comfortable and confidant as a woman, I foudn I cared less and less about being in stealth. Oh, I sure don't want people who don't know me to know on sight, as I do want to be able to blend into society (I much prefer the term "blend" over "pass," as it's not a test or something to be ashamed of), but I've found that not only do I not care if others find out I'm trans (as long as they cause me no grief over it), but that by being informative and open about it I can help others who are in similar situations to how I had been. I also know I have helped some people in realising they are not alone in their feelings, that transition is a possibility, that they aren't complete social rejects at that there's nothing wrong with them for not conforming to how society tried to dictate. That in itself has made my being open about it completely worthwhile, to better cope with the difficulties I've been having. I know it sounds kinda cheesy, but I am serious that in knowing I'm helping others find the anwers to their questions, even if they aren't trans themselves, or are transgender in another way, but just that I'm able to help them learn, understand, and be more comfortable with themselves that it really brightens my day, and makes difficulties I've been through easier to bear.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Evil Sun And Art
Well, once again I've gone too long without updating. I place blame on hormones, anti-anxiety medication, and the sun. Yes, the sun. Seems the more exposure I have to it, the more my mood plummets and I panic. It also fucks my sleeping patterns more than they already are, which of course then causes further problems.
Anyways, on a cheerier note, I went shopping the other day. Got a cool brown skirt I had been eyeing for a while, and also got some pens. What's cool about the pens is that they're so I can ink the lines on drawings, so I can scan them in, clean up the image, resize, and colour it to make sprites. Unfortunately I found our scanner doesn't work with Linux, and getting a new one which will would cost ~$100, and being that I don't have that much to spare I just used a digi-cam to get them onto the comp. Not nearly as nice as if I could just properly scan them, but it works better than trying to draw with the mouse.
Oh, and just to show what they look like:
Yes, I'm quite well aware that neither of them have hair. The reason for that is they're test pics for making sprites for the game I'm slowly working on learning how to make, and I plan on the hair being a separate image so that the hair style and colour can be chosen separately from the outfit (which is dependant on the class the character chooses). All in all I don't think they're that bad for a first attempt. Oh, they're also not shaded, as I was only doing very basic colouring, and haven't made them into proper sprites at all yet. But then, those are the only poses I have for them, so even if I did know how to make srpites move they couldn't do anything. I'm gonna need to figure out how to get the men looking more steampunk than just neo-victorian. It's easy enough on women's fashion, but I don't want guys to feel jipped on cool looks.
I'm still debating whether I should learn how to just make things as vector art, and I might have to try converting those pictures into vector art somehow to get more of a feel for how it should go. I've got Inkscape installed, and I did poke at it once already, so I do know that it'd work well enough. Well, if I do make the images as vector art, I can still use the pens I got (which weren't that expensive) for making preliminary images for the different characters, NPCs, monsters, and such.
Anyways, on a cheerier note, I went shopping the other day. Got a cool brown skirt I had been eyeing for a while, and also got some pens. What's cool about the pens is that they're so I can ink the lines on drawings, so I can scan them in, clean up the image, resize, and colour it to make sprites. Unfortunately I found our scanner doesn't work with Linux, and getting a new one which will would cost ~$100, and being that I don't have that much to spare I just used a digi-cam to get them onto the comp. Not nearly as nice as if I could just properly scan them, but it works better than trying to draw with the mouse.
Oh, and just to show what they look like:
Yes, I'm quite well aware that neither of them have hair. The reason for that is they're test pics for making sprites for the game I'm slowly working on learning how to make, and I plan on the hair being a separate image so that the hair style and colour can be chosen separately from the outfit (which is dependant on the class the character chooses). All in all I don't think they're that bad for a first attempt. Oh, they're also not shaded, as I was only doing very basic colouring, and haven't made them into proper sprites at all yet. But then, those are the only poses I have for them, so even if I did know how to make srpites move they couldn't do anything. I'm gonna need to figure out how to get the men looking more steampunk than just neo-victorian. It's easy enough on women's fashion, but I don't want guys to feel jipped on cool looks.
I'm still debating whether I should learn how to just make things as vector art, and I might have to try converting those pictures into vector art somehow to get more of a feel for how it should go. I've got Inkscape installed, and I did poke at it once already, so I do know that it'd work well enough. Well, if I do make the images as vector art, I can still use the pens I got (which weren't that expensive) for making preliminary images for the different characters, NPCs, monsters, and such.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Update And Computer Game Idea
Well, I failed in regularly updating. I blame it on my mate's hormones, which I've always reacted more strongly to, and increased dose of anti-depressant. I've been somewhat out of it and not in the mood do do much the last week.
I went shopping the other day. Wore my heeled boots, and that aggravated my ankle again, which isn't cool. Still, I got pair of jeans, and they fit better than any pair I've had in the past. Still want to get a pair of closer fitting ones later, as these are still a little loose, but since they're talls they actually fit, which is a ginormous plus.
I know I had meant to stop talking about computers, but I guess they just keep dominating my life. I started to poke again at Ragnarok Online, and found one server that looks really cool and has a decent forum community too (even if they do seem a little childish to me, but I guess a lot of them are pretty young so it's to be expected), but I've been running into problems connecting to it. I've asked on their forums for help, but so far haven't gotten any useful responses. Oh well, I am using Ubuntu, not Vista or Mac OS, so I guess it's also not that surprising.
Still, one thing this has done is started reminding me what I like about RPGs, and what I'd like to see in an MMORPG. I've thought in the past about making my own RO server, or modding it to be like Chrono Trigger, but I think I'd rather just learn how to program and make my own from the ground up. I'd likely just nab sprites from elsewhere at the beginning, as then I wouldn't have to make my own before getting it to work, but I might do that at the same time.
I still need to make lists of what all I want it to do, what the basic story and mechanics will be, etc, and I plan on doing that later, but I might as well explain a little here some of the basics and see if I can get people's responses on what they think or if they'd be interested in helping/playing.
I'd likely do more or less a classic fantasy game, cause magic rocks. I'd like to add in some steampunk elements too, just cause I also love technology and it looks awesome, and it'd still mesh in quite well with magic. Instead of having a polygonal game that can be resource intensive and look bad if you don't have a top notch computer, I plan on having be entirely sprite based, even for the maps. Give it a sort of retro look, reminiscent of console RPGs before they went fully 3-D. This has the advantages of being easier to program (always a plus for the development side), able to look more like an interactive anime/softer look even with gore and such, take less bandwidth to cut down on lag and allow those with lower quality connections to be able to play, and make it so that even older computers can run it, again expanding who can play.
Characters would have a basic class that sets their basic look, what weapons they can use, and some basic skills. They'd also have an element they can choose (still need to figure out if I'll use the western 4 elements, or the 5 chinese elements, or what), which affects what kind of magic they have, how much damage they deal/receive to the other elements, and sets a colour on the sprite to help personalize it a little and give an idicator at what they can do. I'm also thinking it'd be cool to add in elemental mounts they can summon (after doing a quest to get the skill) for faster movement, but that can be a later addition to the game. I might also see about different races/species to choose from, which would also affect stats, skills, or something, but that would require a lot more sprites to be made, be more elements to balance, etc, but could still be cool. Oh, and characters will be able to select hair colour and style, and it won't be dependant on gender (though I might add in facial hair for guys only, separate from the head hair), including having a bald option.
So far the different weapons/classes I'm thining of will be:
Two handed: Claymores, katanas, pole axes, halberds, and the like. Will be more about offensive skills, having some mob control and large-damage-single-target attacks.
Shield: Use of one handed shields and one handed weapons, such as broadswords, warhammers, and flails. Focused more on defense, being able to block attacks and possibly protect allies (party members).
Dagger: Knives, daggers, katars, rapiers, and other light weapons. Focused more on speed and agility than toughness and pure damage.
Bow: Longbows, shortbows, and crossbows. Able to use different kinds of arrows as well as skills for a variety of effects.
Guns: Revolvers, lever-action rifle, and shotguns. Can fire more rapidly than a Bow, but has to pause to reload after a few shots. This is the technologically advanced class, and will have some skills to show it.
I've not been thining of having too much for PVP, but I'll likely at least include PVP arenas for those that like it, and might see about including a monster arena too. The monster arena wouldn't give exp or drops (there's monsters in the fields for that), but they'd rank the players and players can earn points for items. Might introduce something like that as a PVP option as well if enough people want it. I'd also likely have individual, party, and guild versions for them for variety and to make it more interactive.
For selling items I'd have NPCs in town that will sell them "for commision." This keeps it so there aren't hundreds of shops open, causing lag and taxing the processor for people that aren't even there. I'll also try to figure out some way to cap parts of the economy so it doesn't turn into "haves" and "have nots," as I want to let people be able to buy and sell rare drops and equips from each other while not alienating people who join the game later.
I'll also be trying to have a lot of quests, for experience, money, and items. I might throw in some element and/or class specific quests, to help give more variety and not make each character do the same things, and might even have it so that you have to choose between a few quests. There'll still have to be some classic level grinding, so you can't just use quests the entire way, but they'll still be helpful and add flavour and story to the game.
Oh, and I'm also thining of making it so that if you overkill a monster (because you're a bit high level to be going against it) you won't get (as many) drops from it. This will help keep maps open to more level appropriate characters. I'm also gonna need to figure out how to scale experience awards based on levels, for the same sort of reason. I want to make sure each class can level on their own, as some people prefer that, and people can't always find parties either, but I want there to be options to go more offensive or be geared to support within each class. This will be partly set by the element, but also where they put their skills.
Anyways, time for me to writ up some more detailed info on this for myself, and to make it so the post isn't tl;dr length. (tl;dr means "too long; didn't read" for those who don't know.)
Toodles!
I went shopping the other day. Wore my heeled boots, and that aggravated my ankle again, which isn't cool. Still, I got pair of jeans, and they fit better than any pair I've had in the past. Still want to get a pair of closer fitting ones later, as these are still a little loose, but since they're talls they actually fit, which is a ginormous plus.
I know I had meant to stop talking about computers, but I guess they just keep dominating my life. I started to poke again at Ragnarok Online, and found one server that looks really cool and has a decent forum community too (even if they do seem a little childish to me, but I guess a lot of them are pretty young so it's to be expected), but I've been running into problems connecting to it. I've asked on their forums for help, but so far haven't gotten any useful responses. Oh well, I am using Ubuntu, not Vista or Mac OS, so I guess it's also not that surprising.
Still, one thing this has done is started reminding me what I like about RPGs, and what I'd like to see in an MMORPG. I've thought in the past about making my own RO server, or modding it to be like Chrono Trigger, but I think I'd rather just learn how to program and make my own from the ground up. I'd likely just nab sprites from elsewhere at the beginning, as then I wouldn't have to make my own before getting it to work, but I might do that at the same time.
I still need to make lists of what all I want it to do, what the basic story and mechanics will be, etc, and I plan on doing that later, but I might as well explain a little here some of the basics and see if I can get people's responses on what they think or if they'd be interested in helping/playing.
I'd likely do more or less a classic fantasy game, cause magic rocks. I'd like to add in some steampunk elements too, just cause I also love technology and it looks awesome, and it'd still mesh in quite well with magic. Instead of having a polygonal game that can be resource intensive and look bad if you don't have a top notch computer, I plan on having be entirely sprite based, even for the maps. Give it a sort of retro look, reminiscent of console RPGs before they went fully 3-D. This has the advantages of being easier to program (always a plus for the development side), able to look more like an interactive anime/softer look even with gore and such, take less bandwidth to cut down on lag and allow those with lower quality connections to be able to play, and make it so that even older computers can run it, again expanding who can play.
Characters would have a basic class that sets their basic look, what weapons they can use, and some basic skills. They'd also have an element they can choose (still need to figure out if I'll use the western 4 elements, or the 5 chinese elements, or what), which affects what kind of magic they have, how much damage they deal/receive to the other elements, and sets a colour on the sprite to help personalize it a little and give an idicator at what they can do. I'm also thinking it'd be cool to add in elemental mounts they can summon (after doing a quest to get the skill) for faster movement, but that can be a later addition to the game. I might also see about different races/species to choose from, which would also affect stats, skills, or something, but that would require a lot more sprites to be made, be more elements to balance, etc, but could still be cool. Oh, and characters will be able to select hair colour and style, and it won't be dependant on gender (though I might add in facial hair for guys only, separate from the head hair), including having a bald option.
So far the different weapons/classes I'm thining of will be:
Two handed: Claymores, katanas, pole axes, halberds, and the like. Will be more about offensive skills, having some mob control and large-damage-single-target attacks.
Shield: Use of one handed shields and one handed weapons, such as broadswords, warhammers, and flails. Focused more on defense, being able to block attacks and possibly protect allies (party members).
Dagger: Knives, daggers, katars, rapiers, and other light weapons. Focused more on speed and agility than toughness and pure damage.
Bow: Longbows, shortbows, and crossbows. Able to use different kinds of arrows as well as skills for a variety of effects.
Guns: Revolvers, lever-action rifle, and shotguns. Can fire more rapidly than a Bow, but has to pause to reload after a few shots. This is the technologically advanced class, and will have some skills to show it.
I've not been thining of having too much for PVP, but I'll likely at least include PVP arenas for those that like it, and might see about including a monster arena too. The monster arena wouldn't give exp or drops (there's monsters in the fields for that), but they'd rank the players and players can earn points for items. Might introduce something like that as a PVP option as well if enough people want it. I'd also likely have individual, party, and guild versions for them for variety and to make it more interactive.
For selling items I'd have NPCs in town that will sell them "for commision." This keeps it so there aren't hundreds of shops open, causing lag and taxing the processor for people that aren't even there. I'll also try to figure out some way to cap parts of the economy so it doesn't turn into "haves" and "have nots," as I want to let people be able to buy and sell rare drops and equips from each other while not alienating people who join the game later.
I'll also be trying to have a lot of quests, for experience, money, and items. I might throw in some element and/or class specific quests, to help give more variety and not make each character do the same things, and might even have it so that you have to choose between a few quests. There'll still have to be some classic level grinding, so you can't just use quests the entire way, but they'll still be helpful and add flavour and story to the game.
Oh, and I'm also thining of making it so that if you overkill a monster (because you're a bit high level to be going against it) you won't get (as many) drops from it. This will help keep maps open to more level appropriate characters. I'm also gonna need to figure out how to scale experience awards based on levels, for the same sort of reason. I want to make sure each class can level on their own, as some people prefer that, and people can't always find parties either, but I want there to be options to go more offensive or be geared to support within each class. This will be partly set by the element, but also where they put their skills.
Anyways, time for me to writ up some more detailed info on this for myself, and to make it so the post isn't tl;dr length. (tl;dr means "too long; didn't read" for those who don't know.)
Toodles!
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