Finally got the computers configured correctly, and the network is working nicely now. Using Ubuntu 8.10 on each of them, and using Samba for the networking. Later I'll likely set up a server computer with IPCop on it for better port forwarding and port triggering, so that I can use Ekiga or Skype. Still have to install Ventrilo, but I'll do that tomorrow and it's pretty easy to do.
For those that have been paying attention, I've added Twitter to my blog so that you can keep tabs on me. I'll assume more out of curiosity or to see if I'm making a new post rather than from stalkerish behaviour, but whatever floats your boat. Right now I have it set up to only show the last status, but if people want it to show the last 3 (or however many) just say so (and specify) in a comment and I'll see about changing it. After all it's provided for you, my readers, to see, not me, as I am the one writing them after all.
Anywho, I don't really have all that much to say other than that I finally got the computers configured and so that headache is now out of the way. Oh, yes, our printer now works better under Linux than it ever did under windows, and even though it's using less ink than it used to, the image quality is better. I'd be shocked, but it never worked to well under windows, and completely refused to work under XP Pro x64 (like most things did). I'm also not sure why it did this, as the settings are the same, but my window borders are now a beautiful plum instead of a dusty pink. I did figure out how to correct it, but I reset it back because I feel the plum looks better there, and selected items are still pink, so it gives more variety of colour.
I also found out that I'm missing (or perhaps just misplaced) one of my Beatles CDs. Haven't listened to them in ages, but I wanted to and found it was gone. Oh well, I have other music to listen to for now, so I'll just have to see if it turns up anywhere.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Update And Plasma
Well, I've realized it's been a few days since I last posted. To an extent I've not really had much to post about. My ankle continues to get better, my computer continues to give me trouble, and my overall situation remains largely unchanged.
To hopefully try getting issues with my computer out of the way soon, I'll start with it then move onto other things. Turns out I'm later going to install Ubuntu 8.10 again, as I've run into an interesting problem in 8.04. I can listen to music, I can watch video files, and I can watch Flash videos (YouTube and the like), but I cannot listen to music or other video files after having watched even one YouTube video without first logging out then back in. This is, of course, very annoying. I have realized though that I hadn't properly tried using Samba in 8.10, as I forgot to set up a Samba password and also forgot to actually share any files or folders. Big "oops" right there, especially as the computers were able to see each other on the network, just not access files cause I didn't realize I need the Samaba password.
Moving on to other things now. I got a few shirts on Monday. Got two long sleeved "undershirt" type ones, a purple and a red one, a black turtle-neck sweater, a red 3/4 length sleeved v-neck sweater, and a pink sleep-shirt with adorable chibi-penguins on it (and some matching bottoms). I luckily now have a few long sleeve shirts that properly fit, so I won't be needing to look for any for some time now (hopefully at least). I could use some more pants that properly fit, though that will be a pain to find as I'm tall and slender, a couple baby-doll shirts (they fit better and help show what little chest I have), and maybe another skirt. I could use one that's more girly/casual.
I didn't actually pick up any fabric on Monday when I went shopping, so making the dress is delayed. I'm also now debating making the steampunk durndl first, as I think I'd wear it a bit more, but that is a more complicated outfit to make and I'm also hesitant cause I've not made anything fitted for myself yet. I also don't have a finalized idea on the steampunk dirndl, and I have to have that done and then draw up how to make it in order to know how much of which fabrics I'll need.
One idea my mate had on helping us earn some extra income to help cover the cost of Medicare premiums, plus a little extra, if we do start earning extra is donating plasma. Some places claim to pay up to $200 a month if you donate twice a week, which since it's just plasma the body can reproduce quickly (unlike full blood donation which takes considerably longer). Not only would it give a steady baseline amount (assuming I can work my schedule enough to do it) but it would be beneficial to others as well, which is always a huge plus. It's at least something to look more into, as then my mate and I might be able to bring in up to $400 a month from it, which would be enough to cover what we would need. We'd still want to find another source, to help save up faster, but it would be a good start.
To hopefully try getting issues with my computer out of the way soon, I'll start with it then move onto other things. Turns out I'm later going to install Ubuntu 8.10 again, as I've run into an interesting problem in 8.04. I can listen to music, I can watch video files, and I can watch Flash videos (YouTube and the like), but I cannot listen to music or other video files after having watched even one YouTube video without first logging out then back in. This is, of course, very annoying. I have realized though that I hadn't properly tried using Samba in 8.10, as I forgot to set up a Samba password and also forgot to actually share any files or folders. Big "oops" right there, especially as the computers were able to see each other on the network, just not access files cause I didn't realize I need the Samaba password.
Moving on to other things now. I got a few shirts on Monday. Got two long sleeved "undershirt" type ones, a purple and a red one, a black turtle-neck sweater, a red 3/4 length sleeved v-neck sweater, and a pink sleep-shirt with adorable chibi-penguins on it (and some matching bottoms). I luckily now have a few long sleeve shirts that properly fit, so I won't be needing to look for any for some time now (hopefully at least). I could use some more pants that properly fit, though that will be a pain to find as I'm tall and slender, a couple baby-doll shirts (they fit better and help show what little chest I have), and maybe another skirt. I could use one that's more girly/casual.
I didn't actually pick up any fabric on Monday when I went shopping, so making the dress is delayed. I'm also now debating making the steampunk durndl first, as I think I'd wear it a bit more, but that is a more complicated outfit to make and I'm also hesitant cause I've not made anything fitted for myself yet. I also don't have a finalized idea on the steampunk dirndl, and I have to have that done and then draw up how to make it in order to know how much of which fabrics I'll need.
One idea my mate had on helping us earn some extra income to help cover the cost of Medicare premiums, plus a little extra, if we do start earning extra is donating plasma. Some places claim to pay up to $200 a month if you donate twice a week, which since it's just plasma the body can reproduce quickly (unlike full blood donation which takes considerably longer). Not only would it give a steady baseline amount (assuming I can work my schedule enough to do it) but it would be beneficial to others as well, which is always a huge plus. It's at least something to look more into, as then my mate and I might be able to bring in up to $400 a month from it, which would be enough to cover what we would need. We'd still want to find another source, to help save up faster, but it would be a good start.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Reinstalling An Older Version
I woke up today finding my computer was complaining that the update registry was out of date. It suggested I manually try reloading it, or that I might have network problems. I tried manually having it check for updates, and sure enough it just sat there not getting anywhere for 5 minutes. I had already been pretty sure it was from me trying to get the network set up earlier, so I just transferred everything to another partition and installed Ubuntu 8.04.
Yes, I reverted back to 8.04 from 8.10, as that's the version more things are designed for, such as Flash for YouTube and other media. I'm also hoping that when I get it installed on my mate's computer that I'll be able to get a working network connection. Right now I don't care if I can only set up a Samba network and not an SSH network, even SSH is supposed to be faster, as long as it works. I'm also a little sad that Guake (a drop down terminal application) isn't in the available applications, so I'm using what I consider to be it's lesser cousin Tilda. Even though I don't need to use terminal commands all that often, I love having it very readily available through a keyboard shortcut.
I also installed Wine 1.1.15, but I'm thinking I might want to find an older version. I use it mostly to play Ragnarok Online, but 1.1.15 won't let it run with sound, and the mouse is quite sluggish. Haven't tried playing enough yet to see if the framerate is otherwise tolerable, but I'm likely to get too annoyed by not being able to hear what's going on and having a really sluggish mouse, especially since my main character is a Priestess who needs to be able to quickly use her supportive spells. From what I've read Wine version 0.9.16 should work well so I'll have to look into that more later.
In other news my ankle is doing quite a bit better today, so I didnt' have to take any ibuprofen. Still had it wrapped in an ace-bandage, and I'll do that again tomorrow as I have to go shopping. I'm hoping that standing and walking around more than normal won't aggrevate it too much. If it does I might have to cut shopping short and not get any fabric this time, which would sadly delay making the dress but my health has to come first.
Yes, I reverted back to 8.04 from 8.10, as that's the version more things are designed for, such as Flash for YouTube and other media. I'm also hoping that when I get it installed on my mate's computer that I'll be able to get a working network connection. Right now I don't care if I can only set up a Samba network and not an SSH network, even SSH is supposed to be faster, as long as it works. I'm also a little sad that Guake (a drop down terminal application) isn't in the available applications, so I'm using what I consider to be it's lesser cousin Tilda. Even though I don't need to use terminal commands all that often, I love having it very readily available through a keyboard shortcut.
I also installed Wine 1.1.15, but I'm thinking I might want to find an older version. I use it mostly to play Ragnarok Online, but 1.1.15 won't let it run with sound, and the mouse is quite sluggish. Haven't tried playing enough yet to see if the framerate is otherwise tolerable, but I'm likely to get too annoyed by not being able to hear what's going on and having a really sluggish mouse, especially since my main character is a Priestess who needs to be able to quickly use her supportive spells. From what I've read Wine version 0.9.16 should work well so I'll have to look into that more later.
In other news my ankle is doing quite a bit better today, so I didnt' have to take any ibuprofen. Still had it wrapped in an ace-bandage, and I'll do that again tomorrow as I have to go shopping. I'm hoping that standing and walking around more than normal won't aggrevate it too much. If it does I might have to cut shopping short and not get any fabric this time, which would sadly delay making the dress but my health has to come first.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Of Monitors And Ankles
Yesterday was another eventful day. I got monitors moved around and pulled a video card from my mate's comp. We now have only one monitor each, but they work well with good resolution, and a bonus of freeing up deskspace. My mate also now has a monitor stand to give him even more space, as CRTs take a lot. I'm glad I managed to get that accomplished before what happened later.
I still haven't figured out how to get two Ubuntu 8.10 computers to communicate across a network. We can connect online just fine (otherwise I wouldn't even be able to post this), and can even ping each other just fine. Something I've done has even made it so we can't even view Places -> Network, which we had been able to do before I started messing around with things. I had even unfortunately managed to make it so I couldn't even update my computer, even though I could still get online, but I've luckily fixed that.
I plan to post a request for help on UbuntuForums in the hopes of getting somewhere. As it is I'm debating installing Ubuntu 8.04, as there are guides for how to get that configured, but 8.10 has new tools for it and I've had no luck finding anything that actually helps. I'm otherwise about ready to just start transferring things via USB flash drive, but that would be a long and annoying process that I'd rather avoid, as I would like a working file share to more easily transfer things in the future as well.
Anyway, the thing that happened later was stupid, and really I should have known better to avoid it. I had been sitting with my legs crossed, as I often do, and so naturally the one starts to fall asleep as soon as I try to go anywhere. I was wearing heels, cause I want to get more adjusted to them so I can go out shopping for a few hours in them without problem, and I'm sure anyone with experience will have a pretty good idea what happened next. I got a few steps towards the bathroom when my leg decided it was going to fall asleep, right at one of the spots where there isn't anything to grab hold of to stop a fall (like a wall, door frame, or counter). By time I realized it was happening it was too late, and I could only make a semi-controlled fall to lessen the damage. The pain from twisting it was pretty severe too. Luckily my mate was able to immediately get an ace-bandage for me to put on it (at my request), as it applied pressure back onto the leg to stop the pins and needles pain of my leg waking up, and to restrain the ankle to make sure it could start healing properly.
Still, this was the second closest I've come to blacking out. My vision went all wonky, fading and tunneling, I was light-headed, really nauseous, and felt like I was completely overheating. The only time I was closer to blacking out, loosing vision entirely for a little while, was when I had a penicillin shot in Basic Training. I also kept cursing, but it was to maintain focus so as to stay conscious as much as it was about the pain. Once I was done in the bathroom I went immediately to my bed and elevated it on pillows. I've realized since that I should have put ice on it as well, but I'm not sure I could have taken the weight/pressure on it. I later took two ibuprofen when I was sure I'd be able to keep it down, and was able to then get the pain to more manageable levels.
I slept with it un-bandaged, so that if it swelled it wouldn't be a problem, and wrapped it as soon as I got up. It does hurt a bit less than it did yesterday, which is very good, and I haven't taken any ibuprofen since getting up either. I like to avoid pain medication if I can avoid it, so I can make sure it will be effective when I really need it.
I still haven't figured out how to get two Ubuntu 8.10 computers to communicate across a network. We can connect online just fine (otherwise I wouldn't even be able to post this), and can even ping each other just fine. Something I've done has even made it so we can't even view Places -> Network, which we had been able to do before I started messing around with things. I had even unfortunately managed to make it so I couldn't even update my computer, even though I could still get online, but I've luckily fixed that.
I plan to post a request for help on UbuntuForums in the hopes of getting somewhere. As it is I'm debating installing Ubuntu 8.04, as there are guides for how to get that configured, but 8.10 has new tools for it and I've had no luck finding anything that actually helps. I'm otherwise about ready to just start transferring things via USB flash drive, but that would be a long and annoying process that I'd rather avoid, as I would like a working file share to more easily transfer things in the future as well.
Anyway, the thing that happened later was stupid, and really I should have known better to avoid it. I had been sitting with my legs crossed, as I often do, and so naturally the one starts to fall asleep as soon as I try to go anywhere. I was wearing heels, cause I want to get more adjusted to them so I can go out shopping for a few hours in them without problem, and I'm sure anyone with experience will have a pretty good idea what happened next. I got a few steps towards the bathroom when my leg decided it was going to fall asleep, right at one of the spots where there isn't anything to grab hold of to stop a fall (like a wall, door frame, or counter). By time I realized it was happening it was too late, and I could only make a semi-controlled fall to lessen the damage. The pain from twisting it was pretty severe too. Luckily my mate was able to immediately get an ace-bandage for me to put on it (at my request), as it applied pressure back onto the leg to stop the pins and needles pain of my leg waking up, and to restrain the ankle to make sure it could start healing properly.
Still, this was the second closest I've come to blacking out. My vision went all wonky, fading and tunneling, I was light-headed, really nauseous, and felt like I was completely overheating. The only time I was closer to blacking out, loosing vision entirely for a little while, was when I had a penicillin shot in Basic Training. I also kept cursing, but it was to maintain focus so as to stay conscious as much as it was about the pain. Once I was done in the bathroom I went immediately to my bed and elevated it on pillows. I've realized since that I should have put ice on it as well, but I'm not sure I could have taken the weight/pressure on it. I later took two ibuprofen when I was sure I'd be able to keep it down, and was able to then get the pain to more manageable levels.
I slept with it un-bandaged, so that if it swelled it wouldn't be a problem, and wrapped it as soon as I got up. It does hurt a bit less than it did yesterday, which is very good, and I haven't taken any ibuprofen since getting up either. I like to avoid pain medication if I can avoid it, so I can make sure it will be effective when I really need it.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Lack Of Sleep And Viruses
I got woken up extra early today. My mate had somehow gotten a virus, or multiple viruses, on his computer, on which he used Windows XP Home. He suspects from visiting a fishy site a friend linked, but considering how many intrusive banner "ads" there are on even legitimate and otherwise trustworthy sites it can be incredibly hard to figure out.
This likely wouldn't have been a problem had steps he had attempted actually worked. For reasons we do not understand, his installation of Firefox was not actually installing updates, and so he was not able to have NoSript and AdBlock Plus installed and running. I know I should have had him completely reinstall Firefox when I first found that out, but for the most part I leave him to his own with his computer because he does know the basics of computer security and procedures. To his credit, and proof that he does have working knowledge even if he doesn't always act on it, he spent an hour running scans with his anti-virus, and even downloaded a new one from Google in an attempt to eradicate them, but they kept replicating and the core parts were unable to be handled by his anti-virus software.
He would have just continued using his computer while ignoring the anti-virus popups, other than that they were constant and he was unable to properly run any browser or messenger program. At his wits end he finally came in to wake me up for help. I still feel kinda bad for at first shrugging him off, but then I was mostly asleep and not really cognizant of what he was asking. After a couple more minutes of gaining consciousness I called him back in to let me know what the problem was. I also wasn't that upset I got woken up, because my dreams were drifting towards the unpleasant.
So, I poked around a little bit, using some information from his comp. I found out that part of the problem was Backdoor.Tidserv!inf. Unfortunately I didn't trust the sources of over half the removal tools for it I was able to find, and the rest were for more computer users with more expertise than I have to successfully use. I was able to find the names of some files, and so I booted his computer off of an Ubuntu live-disk so that I could delete what I hoped was the core problem. Unfortunately it didn't work.
At this point I became glad that when I helped set up his computer years ago I had left a small partition to install Linux to, as I had been planning on making both of our computers dual boot systems but was still searching for a distro that I liked. I had then never gotten around to installing any distro there, or having it formatted for extra disk space. Well, I was then able to use that space to install Ubuntu 8.10 onto his comp so that he could have some immediate basic computer operation.
He's already used to OpenOffice and Firefox, so that at least helps, and I've been using Ubuntu 8.10 on my computer for almost a month now, and have poked at it longer making sure I understood basic use, so I can still walk him through the basics he doesn't already know. I've also now got him set up with Pidgin, and later plan on getting Amarok on his computer for when he wants to listen to his own music.
Currently a snag I've then run into is that I've not set up a Linux network before, so I have to learn that before we can get stuff backed up off of his computer (as he sadly doesn't have a DVD burner). I'm also not sure if it's his monitors or video cards, but the highest resolution I've been able to get through basic settings is 800x600. Fixing his resolution is the first to tackle of those two issues, but I'm not looking forward to having to pull and insert different video cards until I find which is going to work, or at least why what he has isn't. I suspect it's because he has a Voodoo3 card in a PCI slot for what had been his second monitor, but is now acting as his primary. I'd much prefer his NVidia AGP card were the one being used as such. Still, on a somewhat crowded desk that I have to reach across it's not the most fun.
Once his computer is backed up he is fine with having just Ubuntu on his computer, as then he doesn't have to worry as much about problems like he just ran into, and because he really doesn't run any software that won't run in Ubuntu. While in the immediate future it means I have more to deal with, different settings I have to keep in mind, and read through and poke at a lot of things, but in the long run I feel the transition will be well worth it, in security, customizable interface for individualization, and the fact we won't have to spend hundreds of dollars to upgrade our software.
This likely wouldn't have been a problem had steps he had attempted actually worked. For reasons we do not understand, his installation of Firefox was not actually installing updates, and so he was not able to have NoSript and AdBlock Plus installed and running. I know I should have had him completely reinstall Firefox when I first found that out, but for the most part I leave him to his own with his computer because he does know the basics of computer security and procedures. To his credit, and proof that he does have working knowledge even if he doesn't always act on it, he spent an hour running scans with his anti-virus, and even downloaded a new one from Google in an attempt to eradicate them, but they kept replicating and the core parts were unable to be handled by his anti-virus software.
He would have just continued using his computer while ignoring the anti-virus popups, other than that they were constant and he was unable to properly run any browser or messenger program. At his wits end he finally came in to wake me up for help. I still feel kinda bad for at first shrugging him off, but then I was mostly asleep and not really cognizant of what he was asking. After a couple more minutes of gaining consciousness I called him back in to let me know what the problem was. I also wasn't that upset I got woken up, because my dreams were drifting towards the unpleasant.
So, I poked around a little bit, using some information from his comp. I found out that part of the problem was Backdoor.Tidserv!inf. Unfortunately I didn't trust the sources of over half the removal tools for it I was able to find, and the rest were for more computer users with more expertise than I have to successfully use. I was able to find the names of some files, and so I booted his computer off of an Ubuntu live-disk so that I could delete what I hoped was the core problem. Unfortunately it didn't work.
At this point I became glad that when I helped set up his computer years ago I had left a small partition to install Linux to, as I had been planning on making both of our computers dual boot systems but was still searching for a distro that I liked. I had then never gotten around to installing any distro there, or having it formatted for extra disk space. Well, I was then able to use that space to install Ubuntu 8.10 onto his comp so that he could have some immediate basic computer operation.
He's already used to OpenOffice and Firefox, so that at least helps, and I've been using Ubuntu 8.10 on my computer for almost a month now, and have poked at it longer making sure I understood basic use, so I can still walk him through the basics he doesn't already know. I've also now got him set up with Pidgin, and later plan on getting Amarok on his computer for when he wants to listen to his own music.
Currently a snag I've then run into is that I've not set up a Linux network before, so I have to learn that before we can get stuff backed up off of his computer (as he sadly doesn't have a DVD burner). I'm also not sure if it's his monitors or video cards, but the highest resolution I've been able to get through basic settings is 800x600. Fixing his resolution is the first to tackle of those two issues, but I'm not looking forward to having to pull and insert different video cards until I find which is going to work, or at least why what he has isn't. I suspect it's because he has a Voodoo3 card in a PCI slot for what had been his second monitor, but is now acting as his primary. I'd much prefer his NVidia AGP card were the one being used as such. Still, on a somewhat crowded desk that I have to reach across it's not the most fun.
Once his computer is backed up he is fine with having just Ubuntu on his computer, as then he doesn't have to worry as much about problems like he just ran into, and because he really doesn't run any software that won't run in Ubuntu. While in the immediate future it means I have more to deal with, different settings I have to keep in mind, and read through and poke at a lot of things, but in the long run I feel the transition will be well worth it, in security, customizable interface for individualization, and the fact we won't have to spend hundreds of dollars to upgrade our software.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Lack Of Income And Poor Insurance
I had a doctor's appointment today. Got a refill on my spironolactone, and Celexa dose increase to 10mg/day. Didn't get any bad news either, which is always good.
I also stopped by and talked a financial advisor at the social services office. Turns out that as long as I am even eligible for any other insurance that I cannot get onto my state's insurance. This sadly means I am stuck on Medicare, and that I must either pay for another insurance (which I cannot afford to do, as it would be several hundred a month I do not have unless I forgo eating) or must pay for all therapist and endocrinologist appointments, tests, and medications relating to my transsexuality out of pocket. Sadly I cannot pay for that either, so I'm stuck not being able to officially progress in transition on those aspects. (I'm not comfortable enough any more with the idea of ordering the hormones online, and would still have to pay for blood work out of pocket which I cannot do.)
The solution then seems simple. In order to progress with transition, I have to earn extra income. Aside from the current economic turmoil that makes landing a job, especially when I've not had one for years (for those who don't know, I receive SSDI, which is also why I have Medicare), if I earn much more than ~$50 additional a month, my mate and I will have to pay the premiums for Medicare out of pocket, and that was $84/mo/ea last I knew. This quickly shows me that if I (or my mate) were to start bringing in additional income we'd have to make more than ~$168/mo or we completely loose out. If I want to actually start seeing the therapist for transition that's an additional $136 (for self-paying in full on the day of the appointment, as it gets a 20% discount) a visit, minimum once a month. Couples therapy, which we would do a bit as my mate is genderqueer, is $196.60 a visit. (Both therapy fees are from one and a half years ago, and is likely to be higher now.) This quickly raises the monthly amount of additional income I or my mate would need to make to about $400 a month, as in order to make enough to pay for the therapy visits makes it so we also have to pay our Medicare premiums out of pocket as well.
To further complicate matters I still suffer from chronic anxiety, and cannot maintain a 24 hour schedule. Clearly then if one of us was to get a part time job it would have to be my mate, as even though he doesn't wake up until 1:30 pm he at least has a regular schedule, and doesn't suffer from anxiety. Still, there really isn't any job openings in the area, especially not for someone in their mid twenties who hasn't had a job since they were honorably discharged from the military years ago.
This really then leaves only one possibly viable way for us to bring in the additional income we need for us both to continue in transition. (My mate is FtM/genderqueer, and so has his own transition.) We need to find something to make and somewhere to sell it.
One thought that has come to mind, though I have no clue if it'd work, is to make renaissance and medieval dresses and such to sell on them on Etsy, or similar website. Unfortunately I have no idea how many dresses I would be able to sell on average per month, or how much to charge for them, and so have no clue if I'd be able to bring in enough to even cover the Medicare premiums.
One other thing that has been suggested to me is AdSense, and the like, and blogging. To be honest, that's part of why I made this blog. It's much more professional in appearance and capability than my old blog. I'm also trying to see if I can post regularly enough to be able to maintain a readership beyond close friends, and if I can post about only a few topics to keep a readership interested. I have almost no clue how to go about attracting a readership base in the first place, but that would be moot if I couldn't maintain it. I also don't have much for expectations on returns from ads for such, but perhaps that combined with Etsy would be enough. Honestly, I'm not sure if it would, but if I am able to blog regularly and get a readership, then perhaps I would be able to get some good feedback for more possibilities.
Other than that I did manage to get more info about name changes in Minnesota (and now an astute reader will what area of the country I live in). I also have an application for name change sitting on my desk, though I'm not sure when I'll actually get it filled out. The main problem for me isn't the $250 fee, or even filling out the form, but instead wrangling up two witnesses I'd trust enough to testify in favour of my transition. Oh, sure, I know a few people, including what little family still has some contact with me, who would most likely be free and willing to do so, but I know they don't exactly approve of my transition and so would likely hesitate, even if just half a second, when testifying. Any judge worth their gavel would pick up on that and possibly question further. They'd also be more likely to read the application closer, and since I do plan on seeing if I can also get my birth records amended by changing my sex designation from 'male' to 'female' they'd be more likely to really inquire into that, or deny it outright. Even with really supportive witnesses it's only got a chance to get through, since I'm still pre-op (though they might not ask, and I hope they don't), but I don't want want to jeopardise that chance any more than I have to.
I also stopped by and talked a financial advisor at the social services office. Turns out that as long as I am even eligible for any other insurance that I cannot get onto my state's insurance. This sadly means I am stuck on Medicare, and that I must either pay for another insurance (which I cannot afford to do, as it would be several hundred a month I do not have unless I forgo eating) or must pay for all therapist and endocrinologist appointments, tests, and medications relating to my transsexuality out of pocket. Sadly I cannot pay for that either, so I'm stuck not being able to officially progress in transition on those aspects. (I'm not comfortable enough any more with the idea of ordering the hormones online, and would still have to pay for blood work out of pocket which I cannot do.)
The solution then seems simple. In order to progress with transition, I have to earn extra income. Aside from the current economic turmoil that makes landing a job, especially when I've not had one for years (for those who don't know, I receive SSDI, which is also why I have Medicare), if I earn much more than ~$50 additional a month, my mate and I will have to pay the premiums for Medicare out of pocket, and that was $84/mo/ea last I knew. This quickly shows me that if I (or my mate) were to start bringing in additional income we'd have to make more than ~$168/mo or we completely loose out. If I want to actually start seeing the therapist for transition that's an additional $136 (for self-paying in full on the day of the appointment, as it gets a 20% discount) a visit, minimum once a month. Couples therapy, which we would do a bit as my mate is genderqueer, is $196.60 a visit. (Both therapy fees are from one and a half years ago, and is likely to be higher now.) This quickly raises the monthly amount of additional income I or my mate would need to make to about $400 a month, as in order to make enough to pay for the therapy visits makes it so we also have to pay our Medicare premiums out of pocket as well.
To further complicate matters I still suffer from chronic anxiety, and cannot maintain a 24 hour schedule. Clearly then if one of us was to get a part time job it would have to be my mate, as even though he doesn't wake up until 1:30 pm he at least has a regular schedule, and doesn't suffer from anxiety. Still, there really isn't any job openings in the area, especially not for someone in their mid twenties who hasn't had a job since they were honorably discharged from the military years ago.
This really then leaves only one possibly viable way for us to bring in the additional income we need for us both to continue in transition. (My mate is FtM/genderqueer, and so has his own transition.) We need to find something to make and somewhere to sell it.
One thought that has come to mind, though I have no clue if it'd work, is to make renaissance and medieval dresses and such to sell on them on Etsy, or similar website. Unfortunately I have no idea how many dresses I would be able to sell on average per month, or how much to charge for them, and so have no clue if I'd be able to bring in enough to even cover the Medicare premiums.
One other thing that has been suggested to me is AdSense, and the like, and blogging. To be honest, that's part of why I made this blog. It's much more professional in appearance and capability than my old blog. I'm also trying to see if I can post regularly enough to be able to maintain a readership beyond close friends, and if I can post about only a few topics to keep a readership interested. I have almost no clue how to go about attracting a readership base in the first place, but that would be moot if I couldn't maintain it. I also don't have much for expectations on returns from ads for such, but perhaps that combined with Etsy would be enough. Honestly, I'm not sure if it would, but if I am able to blog regularly and get a readership, then perhaps I would be able to get some good feedback for more possibilities.
Other than that I did manage to get more info about name changes in Minnesota (and now an astute reader will what area of the country I live in). I also have an application for name change sitting on my desk, though I'm not sure when I'll actually get it filled out. The main problem for me isn't the $250 fee, or even filling out the form, but instead wrangling up two witnesses I'd trust enough to testify in favour of my transition. Oh, sure, I know a few people, including what little family still has some contact with me, who would most likely be free and willing to do so, but I know they don't exactly approve of my transition and so would likely hesitate, even if just half a second, when testifying. Any judge worth their gavel would pick up on that and possibly question further. They'd also be more likely to read the application closer, and since I do plan on seeing if I can also get my birth records amended by changing my sex designation from 'male' to 'female' they'd be more likely to really inquire into that, or deny it outright. Even with really supportive witnesses it's only got a chance to get through, since I'm still pre-op (though they might not ask, and I hope they don't), but I don't want want to jeopardise that chance any more than I have to.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Introduction
Being that this is a new blog, and I can't expect all of my readers to know me yet, I figure an introduction, beyond what my plans for the blog are, is in order.
To start, what one will notice upon seeing me in person, is that I am a 1.8m (5'11”) tall, slender woman with red/blonde hair. Because this is a blog, I will be expressing many things from my points of view, and so what my writings will quickly reveal is that I'm a transwoman still undergoing transition, am an atheist who grew up Lutheran, and am politically liberal (at least by standards in the United States; I haven't compared my views to European standards yet).
My political leanings and I will likely cover in later posts. In this one though I will try to give you, my readers, a little more understanding into why I am a transwoman and an atheist. I won't go into too much detail, as that would likely fill a book (which I might even see about writing at some point), but I do feel some explanation is needed in order to help you understand where my point of view comes from.
I really don't feel that I've made that many changes over the years, more just been able to learn and understand myself better, to allow myself to more be myself without overly worrying about what others think. Every day, every hour, that I cannot live my life as myself, is one less day, one less hour that I have. Therefore it's imperative for me to figure out aspects of myself, to find answers to all the questions I didn't dare even ask, disregarding all of the societal pressures against what the answers might be, because to not do so is to then be having others dictate my life for me.
When I was little, I tried to be a boy. In part this was because that's what everyone expected me to be, also in part because what's between my legs meant I wasn't a girl, and if I wasn't a girl, I was a boy, right? I tried to avoid things that were “girly” because I couldn't allow myself to be confused for girl, or for trying to be a girl. Such would go against the gender binary that everywhere taught and treated as a basic rule. Going against the rules meant one would get punished, as was demonstrated enough, and since I didn't want to be punished I had no other choice than to do my best at being a boy.
Most of the time gender wasn't really an issue, at least not as a child. Most aspects that societal gender rules dictate didn't affect me then. By time I was older I already had developed the habits and routines of being a boy, and of avoiding gender issues and questions. I had convinced myself that I didn't like things because they were girly in order to simply get by in societies rules, even though I never asked myself the question if I liked the things or not. There were rules, and it was up to me to abide by them or else I'd be punished. No, I didn't even know what the punishment might have be, because I had never heard of anyone else questioning their gender or trying to go outside the dictated gender rules.
Oh, sure, there was women liberation, but that still wasn't them trying to stop being women, merely be accepted as equals, and so is incredibly different. I didn't know about intersex conditions, and how more than one out of every hundred newborns has it to some extent, and that more than one out of every thousand is ambiguous enough to warrant medical attention (sometimes in the form of surgery). I didn't know the gamut of transgender classifications (transmen, transwomen, genderqueer, bigender, just to name a few), and how they are physically different, even if often in just in how the brain developed. I didn't even know that the sex chromosomes were only in part responsible for determining sex and that hormonal conditions in the womb could completely override how they're expressed and so how the body and it's parts form. None of this I knew, so I had to rely only on the facts that people called me a boy and it was because of what was between my legs. Because of that one part, just that one part that almost no-one would ever see, so many things were dictated to me. How I could acceptably react to things, the sort of things I could like, the activities I could acceptably participate in, how I could dress, the foods I could like, how I could walk, how I could sit, how I was allowed to talk, and even what colours I was allowed to like. All over something I had no choice in, absolutely no control over, and all of that was still dictated and enforced.
And so I tried. I tried to stay within the societal expectations. I tried to not go out of them, or do anything where society would get suspicious, or that might confuse myself and so lead to me breaking the societal rules and getting punished for it. I couldn't even dwell on the questions long because church taught that even thinking something against what was allowed was the same as doing it, so I connected in my mind that if I even thought about it I would get punished. It didn't matter if I felt the system was wrong, it had the power to do anything it wanted and I was at the mercy of it's whims. I had learned that from countless incidents where the guilty party gets away with something and the innocent party is the one punished. It also didn't matter if you didn't know the rule, or couldn't even know about the rule, if you broke it you would still be penalized.
I pin blame for this forced ignorance, this forced lifestyle contrary to my nature, on society. Most blame goes to the dogmatic authoritarians who wish to destroy anything different from themselves. The religious right is the most visible such group in the US, using scripture and doctrine to push their hatred towards anyone who's different, and trying to make sure that no one can criticize them or have equal time to voice their opinions. And no, it's not just the religious who can be like this, though they are the most visible even if mostly because the vast majority of Americans are themselves religious, as clearly shown with how almost 80% of the country identifies as Christian, and most of the rest as other religions.
Which now brings me to the next core point about myself. I'm an atheist, and in no way ashamed of it. I don't go flaunting it about all over the place. I don't try to “convert” anyone. And no, no one “converted” me either. I simply asked myself questions, did a lot of research, and then came to my conclusion. I've looked over it several times, from several angles, and even at many religions. I simply cannot see any evidence what-so-ever for any sort of deity that might do anything in this world. I also cannot accept viability of the Bible, because too many points contradict, too many things are inconsistent, too many things are contradictory to historical evidence. I cannot take things on unsubstantiated faith when there's evidence to the contrary, and so I cannot believe. I won't go into more detail or specifics at the moment because this post is already long enough.
It is also not a “phase” like people have tried to tell me. It's been a year and a half already since I came to the initial conclusion, and during all this time of continued questioning and contemplation I have only grown more assured of my position. Just like me being a transwoman is not any sort of “phase.” With that I took half a year, including seeing a psychologist, and made sure I was positive about it before I even hinted at the questioning to most people around me. The same is actually true with my atheism, minus seeing a psychologist about it.
A few other things about me, just to round out this impression and show that transexuality and atheism aren't the only aspects of myself. I love Star Wars (well, at least the original trilogy), Warhammer 40K, role-playing games (mostly tabletop, and have even been making one of my own), and reading books. I also love science fact and fiction, I love questioning and observing things, I enjoy cooking (and have made my own recipes for spaghetti and beef-barely soup/stew), do sewing from time to time (even if not often because fabric can cost a bit), have a basic understanding of my computer (which I've now installed Linux on) and electronics, and like to poke at languages now and again. I also love camo pants and boots, close fitting shirts, loose skirts and dresses, and heels (strappy and boots). I've also recently discovered I like coffee (well, 2 parts coffee, one part milk, or it gets too much). I keep being surprised at how much I like pink, and at how much I've started to like shopping, even just window shopping, though I still hate crowds and bad traffic.
Many of these things though I've only been able to allow myself to be comfortable liking because I am making sure to be myself. Even the things I was able to be comfortable with liking while trying to be a boy I'm more comfortable with now. I no longer have to hide me from myself. I no longer have to cloak a persona around myself, keeping it distanced so I don't let the real me out and get in “trouble.” My desires, my likes, my perceptions, are now no longer filtered through an enforced rules-set contrary to my very being. It is only now, in my mid twenties, that I am able to start living life.
To start, what one will notice upon seeing me in person, is that I am a 1.8m (5'11”) tall, slender woman with red/blonde hair. Because this is a blog, I will be expressing many things from my points of view, and so what my writings will quickly reveal is that I'm a transwoman still undergoing transition, am an atheist who grew up Lutheran, and am politically liberal (at least by standards in the United States; I haven't compared my views to European standards yet).
My political leanings and I will likely cover in later posts. In this one though I will try to give you, my readers, a little more understanding into why I am a transwoman and an atheist. I won't go into too much detail, as that would likely fill a book (which I might even see about writing at some point), but I do feel some explanation is needed in order to help you understand where my point of view comes from.
I really don't feel that I've made that many changes over the years, more just been able to learn and understand myself better, to allow myself to more be myself without overly worrying about what others think. Every day, every hour, that I cannot live my life as myself, is one less day, one less hour that I have. Therefore it's imperative for me to figure out aspects of myself, to find answers to all the questions I didn't dare even ask, disregarding all of the societal pressures against what the answers might be, because to not do so is to then be having others dictate my life for me.
When I was little, I tried to be a boy. In part this was because that's what everyone expected me to be, also in part because what's between my legs meant I wasn't a girl, and if I wasn't a girl, I was a boy, right? I tried to avoid things that were “girly” because I couldn't allow myself to be confused for girl, or for trying to be a girl. Such would go against the gender binary that everywhere taught and treated as a basic rule. Going against the rules meant one would get punished, as was demonstrated enough, and since I didn't want to be punished I had no other choice than to do my best at being a boy.
Most of the time gender wasn't really an issue, at least not as a child. Most aspects that societal gender rules dictate didn't affect me then. By time I was older I already had developed the habits and routines of being a boy, and of avoiding gender issues and questions. I had convinced myself that I didn't like things because they were girly in order to simply get by in societies rules, even though I never asked myself the question if I liked the things or not. There were rules, and it was up to me to abide by them or else I'd be punished. No, I didn't even know what the punishment might have be, because I had never heard of anyone else questioning their gender or trying to go outside the dictated gender rules.
Oh, sure, there was women liberation, but that still wasn't them trying to stop being women, merely be accepted as equals, and so is incredibly different. I didn't know about intersex conditions, and how more than one out of every hundred newborns has it to some extent, and that more than one out of every thousand is ambiguous enough to warrant medical attention (sometimes in the form of surgery). I didn't know the gamut of transgender classifications (transmen, transwomen, genderqueer, bigender, just to name a few), and how they are physically different, even if often in just in how the brain developed. I didn't even know that the sex chromosomes were only in part responsible for determining sex and that hormonal conditions in the womb could completely override how they're expressed and so how the body and it's parts form. None of this I knew, so I had to rely only on the facts that people called me a boy and it was because of what was between my legs. Because of that one part, just that one part that almost no-one would ever see, so many things were dictated to me. How I could acceptably react to things, the sort of things I could like, the activities I could acceptably participate in, how I could dress, the foods I could like, how I could walk, how I could sit, how I was allowed to talk, and even what colours I was allowed to like. All over something I had no choice in, absolutely no control over, and all of that was still dictated and enforced.
And so I tried. I tried to stay within the societal expectations. I tried to not go out of them, or do anything where society would get suspicious, or that might confuse myself and so lead to me breaking the societal rules and getting punished for it. I couldn't even dwell on the questions long because church taught that even thinking something against what was allowed was the same as doing it, so I connected in my mind that if I even thought about it I would get punished. It didn't matter if I felt the system was wrong, it had the power to do anything it wanted and I was at the mercy of it's whims. I had learned that from countless incidents where the guilty party gets away with something and the innocent party is the one punished. It also didn't matter if you didn't know the rule, or couldn't even know about the rule, if you broke it you would still be penalized.
I pin blame for this forced ignorance, this forced lifestyle contrary to my nature, on society. Most blame goes to the dogmatic authoritarians who wish to destroy anything different from themselves. The religious right is the most visible such group in the US, using scripture and doctrine to push their hatred towards anyone who's different, and trying to make sure that no one can criticize them or have equal time to voice their opinions. And no, it's not just the religious who can be like this, though they are the most visible even if mostly because the vast majority of Americans are themselves religious, as clearly shown with how almost 80% of the country identifies as Christian, and most of the rest as other religions.
Which now brings me to the next core point about myself. I'm an atheist, and in no way ashamed of it. I don't go flaunting it about all over the place. I don't try to “convert” anyone. And no, no one “converted” me either. I simply asked myself questions, did a lot of research, and then came to my conclusion. I've looked over it several times, from several angles, and even at many religions. I simply cannot see any evidence what-so-ever for any sort of deity that might do anything in this world. I also cannot accept viability of the Bible, because too many points contradict, too many things are inconsistent, too many things are contradictory to historical evidence. I cannot take things on unsubstantiated faith when there's evidence to the contrary, and so I cannot believe. I won't go into more detail or specifics at the moment because this post is already long enough.
It is also not a “phase” like people have tried to tell me. It's been a year and a half already since I came to the initial conclusion, and during all this time of continued questioning and contemplation I have only grown more assured of my position. Just like me being a transwoman is not any sort of “phase.” With that I took half a year, including seeing a psychologist, and made sure I was positive about it before I even hinted at the questioning to most people around me. The same is actually true with my atheism, minus seeing a psychologist about it.
A few other things about me, just to round out this impression and show that transexuality and atheism aren't the only aspects of myself. I love Star Wars (well, at least the original trilogy), Warhammer 40K, role-playing games (mostly tabletop, and have even been making one of my own), and reading books. I also love science fact and fiction, I love questioning and observing things, I enjoy cooking (and have made my own recipes for spaghetti and beef-barely soup/stew), do sewing from time to time (even if not often because fabric can cost a bit), have a basic understanding of my computer (which I've now installed Linux on) and electronics, and like to poke at languages now and again. I also love camo pants and boots, close fitting shirts, loose skirts and dresses, and heels (strappy and boots). I've also recently discovered I like coffee (well, 2 parts coffee, one part milk, or it gets too much). I keep being surprised at how much I like pink, and at how much I've started to like shopping, even just window shopping, though I still hate crowds and bad traffic.
Many of these things though I've only been able to allow myself to be comfortable liking because I am making sure to be myself. Even the things I was able to be comfortable with liking while trying to be a boy I'm more comfortable with now. I no longer have to hide me from myself. I no longer have to cloak a persona around myself, keeping it distanced so I don't let the real me out and get in “trouble.” My desires, my likes, my perceptions, are now no longer filtered through an enforced rules-set contrary to my very being. It is only now, in my mid twenties, that I am able to start living life.
Initial Post
I'm setting up this blog as a sort of project for myself. While I will be thrilled if other people read it and like it, I don't exactly expect there to be many who will find their way to it without me personally directing them to it. Well, at least not at first, but I'd rather not go expounding into possible dreams when I have no clue if they could manifest into reality.
As this project I plan to attempt to more regularly post. I'm hoping for at least every few days, if not even multiple times on some day. I need to keep in mind this is a blog, so it doesn't have to be long, or highly detailed, or even always well thought out (and sometimes the random posts that are a typed stream of thoughts can be the best). I don't have any deadlines other than what I set for myself, so I at least remove some anxiety that way, but I would like to see if I can keep myself motivated enough to at least update regularly. It's not like I have a busy schedule that makes it hard for me to get online, it's really just a motivational issue.
The reason I'm calling this blog "Another Point Of View" is because, quite simply, that's all I'll ever be able to provide; another point of view of the world and aspects of it. I'm only one is over six billion people currently alive. Sure, those who speak English number far less than that, and the ones with internet access and who read blogs are far fewer even, that still leaves millions of people crawling the English speaking webspaces with their own opinions, ideas, and points of view. I can really only speak for myself. I can only offer my observations. And while this does mean I'm very insignificant in this large world, one thing that comes to mind is: so is everyone else.
Some topics I am likely to touch on is transgenderism, atheism, and projects that I do. Currently projects I'm anticipating are making a medieval/rennaisance style dress, and later a steampunk dirndl. I'll be seeing about posting images of the process, from making some sketches for them, plans on how they'll be made, constructing them, and eventually the finished projects. Even still, there will likely be several "off-topic" posts about random things. I could try to keep those cut out, but if I did I likely wouldn't have anything to post many times, and so until I can narrow my focuses down and build more motivation it'll likely be a lot of seemingly random things.
As this project I plan to attempt to more regularly post. I'm hoping for at least every few days, if not even multiple times on some day. I need to keep in mind this is a blog, so it doesn't have to be long, or highly detailed, or even always well thought out (and sometimes the random posts that are a typed stream of thoughts can be the best). I don't have any deadlines other than what I set for myself, so I at least remove some anxiety that way, but I would like to see if I can keep myself motivated enough to at least update regularly. It's not like I have a busy schedule that makes it hard for me to get online, it's really just a motivational issue.
The reason I'm calling this blog "Another Point Of View" is because, quite simply, that's all I'll ever be able to provide; another point of view of the world and aspects of it. I'm only one is over six billion people currently alive. Sure, those who speak English number far less than that, and the ones with internet access and who read blogs are far fewer even, that still leaves millions of people crawling the English speaking webspaces with their own opinions, ideas, and points of view. I can really only speak for myself. I can only offer my observations. And while this does mean I'm very insignificant in this large world, one thing that comes to mind is: so is everyone else.
Some topics I am likely to touch on is transgenderism, atheism, and projects that I do. Currently projects I'm anticipating are making a medieval/rennaisance style dress, and later a steampunk dirndl. I'll be seeing about posting images of the process, from making some sketches for them, plans on how they'll be made, constructing them, and eventually the finished projects. Even still, there will likely be several "off-topic" posts about random things. I could try to keep those cut out, but if I did I likely wouldn't have anything to post many times, and so until I can narrow my focuses down and build more motivation it'll likely be a lot of seemingly random things.
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